Les Update 10/18/2009

So sorry info has been so long in coming. Denial on my part.

This will be brief. I have been in Texas twice this Summer, once for two weeks in July when Les's cancer was diagnosed metastatic and once for two weeks in September when Les's medical oncologist told him he wouldn't live long enough to make an application to M.D. Anderson, the cancer center in Houston.

It's been a horrible ride for Les and his wife Donna. Les has been such a trooper, insisting on treatment. Treatments that leave him weakened, in pain, and unable to eat. Donna is a walking emotional breakdown.

During my visits there were some rough times. Some were because of emotions; some were because of Les's physical condition. One emotion coming from Donna that I truly don't understand is her jealousy because of the relationship that Les and I have. Donna, I am not competing for the affections of your husband. He is my brother. He is the one who was supposed to always be in my life.

I left TX in September because Les was in the hospital, recovering from a bowel resection. The lung cancer had perforated his bowel and given him very painful peritonitis. My roll had been to chauffeur him to treatments and appointments, so there was no need for me to stay at that time. I believe the worse night of my life was spending the night in his hospital room with him screaming in pain, before someone had the good sense to ask for a surgical consult.

Les and I said our final goodbyes in that hospital room. That was about a month ago. Last I heard he was back in the hospital again, for vomiting and dehydration, and an elevated white blood cell count. I last spoke to him last Thursday (it's now Tuesday) and he said that if he had anything to tell me, he would call me.

There are two reasons I suppose he did that. First, he's tiring of giving the same bad news to everyone. Second, he wants to spare me the gory details of his death.

I have joined two cancer caregiver support groups, one a face-to-face meeting and one online. Both with The Wellness Community. Those are weekly meetings. I also have my bi-weekly women's cancer support group; the members there are very empathetic to my pain about losing Les.

I'm OK. Constantly toying with whether I should go back onto antidepressants. I am not sleeping or eating well.