I Flunked my Counseling Assignments

I see the counselor again tomorrow.

I had only 3 assignments for the last 2 weeks.

1. Take my pills everyday on time. I have messed up maybe 3 times.

2. Clean off the kitchen table so I might be encourage to eat a meal in a pleasant environment. I did get most of the table cleaned off. I don't know what to do with the boxes and instructions for the cell phone and digital camera I got this summer. And now a DVD that Simon (Jazzman) had a friend send to me so I could play Region 2 DVDs is there also.

3. Make a list of all the other chaos and clutter places in my house/life so that I can start to work on cleaning those up. I haven't even started, except in my head.

I have been trying to clean up my work desk and get my bills paid. I have been spending quality time with Max (and some not so quality time as I pill and syringe feed him).

I have been inattentive to Jim, although I did fry him a cheeseburger for dinner tonight, after he complained that he would have to make himself a cold sandwich AGAIN. I have been working on organizing the Longwood Gardens trip. I have been inattentive to Ennis, being very inconsistent with his insulin shots.

I did take care of the flood in Jim's bathroom today when he flushed the toilet and the water didn't go down and the tank flap didn't seal and I came down and said "why did you leave the faucet running" and then found 2 inches of water on the floor, and into two adjacent rooms.

My comforter and blanket are in the dryer and I'm not sure I will be able to have the strength or memory to go down to get them before I crash here soon.

So much to do. So little getting done. I have never been this ineffective before. (Well there was one time years ago when I couldn't function for 6 months and despite all the tests the DR did, he couldn't figure out what the problem was.)

Why am I this way? Is it chemo and radiation treatment residual? Is it the disappointment over the failed implant surgery. Is it having Jim in the house 24/7? Could it be some metastatic disease that is just wearing me down? For the past couple weeks, I've been woken several times during the night with painful cramps in my feet and legs. I have to get up and do those stretches against the wall. I took a sleeping pill last night, and only got 5 hours out of it.

I cancelled my plastic surgeon appt last week because I couldn't handle it. I cancelled the lawyer appt for tomorrow because I couldn't handle it. I have to drive Jim out for blood tests tomorrow morning, and I really don't want to do it.

I haven't eaten for 2 days.

How in the world am I going to get out of this pit I am in?