Max's Video

This is my 3rd attempt to write this.

So now I'm going to be very brief.

Kris, thank you so much for my most precious possession.

The video could offend some because it shows pictures of my mastectomy scars at the end. Once that starts, you can turn if off or close your eyes and listen to the rest of the music.

Thanks again Kris.

According to Dawn, the animal communicator

Ennis says life couldn’t be better. He doesn’t really think much about Max not being around.

As for his health, he doesn’t like to go to the vet. He feels bloated all over and the pads of his feet hurt. He has discomfort in his kidney area, but does not feel anything wrong near his stomach. (2 weeks ago the vet said he felt a small mass near his stomach which might just be scar tissue; nothing was revealed on X-Ray. Also the vet said the kidneys felt fine, they also showed no problem on X-Ray, and his blood kidney values came back fine.)

His occasional urinary incontinence (which has been going on for years) is health–related, he says. His bladder usually is very full when he needs to go, and sometimes it is hard to lift his legs into the litter box with a very full bladder. I had he suggest to him that he use the box more often, and he agreed that was an idea, but sometimes when he is sleeping, he wakes up with a very full bladder. (I think this is bullshit by the way; he’s been doing this for over ten years; it a territorial/attitude thing, I think.)

He used to pee on the concrete floor next to the litter boxes in the basement. Last summer he moved it onto the rugs in the Florida room. He said that when he would pee on the concrete his feet would get wet. They don’t on the carpet. And he likes having his smell in that room. I asked Dawn to tell him that I don’t like the smell and to try to stop doing that. Dawn also suggested I get him a litter box with lower sides.

Ennis said when he gets hungry, it hits him really fast. That’s why he gets up in my face on the desk or wakes me 2-3 times a night. He is finicky sometimes because he just doesn’t have an appetite, even though he is hungry. He doesn’t mind having the same food everyday, and doesn’t need variety. I asked Dawn to ask him why he begs for food when there already is food down on a plate. He said he likes the company. I asked her to ask him to minimize that during the night while I am trying to sleep. He said he would try.

Dawn said Lily (my semi-feral) is so cute, has so much energy for a cat her age, and is innocent. (She hit that one on the head.) I asked how Lily was feeling with the early chronic renal failure. Lily said she didn’t know she was sick. I asked whether Lily would please be able to eat the wet food I bought for her CRF. She said she was willing to eat the wet food, but still wants some dry left out. Dawn suggested I remove the dry.

Because I will have to pill Lily for blood pressure, I asked whether she would consider eating a pill pocket every day. Lily agreed with me that she doesn’t like treats. Dawn suggested that I train her to eat the kibble out of my fingers, transition it to a pill pocket with the kibble inside, and then to a pill pocket with the meds. Lily agreed with me that she does not want to be manually pilled.

I asked how Ennis and Lily felt about having Jim here all the time now. They said they felt better having him here. Ennis says he feels he should spend more time to visit with Jim in the dungeon. He’s lazy though, and into his upstairs routine, so I would have to take him down.

Ennis and Lily don’t really like each other; their personalities are too different. But they get along OK. Lily, who spends much of her day hiding, gets lonely. Ennis likes the people in the house more than he likes Lily.

Dawn said Maxwell was a sweet cat who thinks he had a great life. He felt much loved.

He is happy and peaceful and not dwelling on death. He was only thinking of it now because I asked.

He wasn’t in pain with his cancer, but he felt ill (like having the flu) and wanted to be quiet. He was glad I put him down, although he said he was ready to go about a week before we did it.

I asked her to tell him I think of him everyday and loved him very much.

Bailey, my full feral that I lost last summer, said he lived here voluntarily. He didn’t want to escape back into the wild; he wanted to be here in a comfortable home. He didn’t feel captive and adapted to the lifestyle. He loved both Jim and me, as well as the cats, but he just didn’t know how to make attachments.

He doesn’t remember being sick (and he was very sick for 6 weeks before PTS). He only remembers being healthy and comfortable and felt he had a great life as a whole.

Well, yesterday totally sucked!

It was tough because I got a computer geek in here to do some upgrades and reconfigure my Microsoft Outlook for the new broadband ISP. It's kind of complicated because I want to continue to use my old ISP's email address. He ended up crashing my Windows XP (operating system), and had to do a reinstallation. He was here 6 hours and charged me $200, $50 of which was for an additional memory chip.

I was so tense through the whole thing, thinking I would lose all information since I backed up 2 days ago. I couldn't keep ANYTHING on my stomache, and I'm still vomiting and drinking ginger ale. But he did manage to save all my files, as far as I can tell.

I am going to have to clean up some mess he left behind. For example, he didn't load Service Pack 2 because he was running so late. It was his attempt to load the pack that crashed the system. I am terrified to try to install it. He also did not reregister the operating system, so I only have 30 days with it until I can figure out how to do that. He says I will get a prompt in a day or two that will lead me through it. Microsoft does not provide support if the product was loaded onto the computer when I bought it, which it was. They tell me I have to go to Dell for that support, and I'm sure Dell will charge me for that support. Ugh.

The computer geek is a nice guy, and during the 6 hours we did alot of personal chatting. He brought his 6 YO son along; a truly delightful and quiet child. He sat down in the dungeon with Jim watching the cartoon channel or reading a book. Jim did go out for a couple of hours and the child was just fine on his own. I felt so bad he was missing lunch, so I made him a peanut butter sandwich. Turns out he's a picky eater, doesn't like jelly and wouldn't eat the orange I gave him. And he ripped all the crust off the bread.

And during this whole mess, my only client (I write for them) called and insisted on knowing when I was going to get a certain product to them. We finally agreed that I would be relieved of 2 of the products that were to be finished this spring, but which I haven't even started. So now I have no work with them, except for a new book that I was writing back when I was diagnosed. He said that I could have all my products back as soon as I am feeling better. Typing is difficult because my fingertips are still numb from the chemo. I am thinking about having my doctor certify that I am disabled so that I can get to my IRA money without penalty. My saving are getting close to depleted. I see her next week. With my depression, she has me back on a monthly schedule.

I don't think depressed people should be allowed to self-medicate. I continue to forget my pills. I've been 2 days without them. I did take them tonight, but I'm not sure how many stayed down. I think someone should show up at my door twice a day, hand them to me, and watch me take them.

So that was my day. And now I can't sleep. The day and all the cleanup I have to do keeps running through my head. But I need to because my appt with the animal commuicator is in the morning. And I have to prepare my list of questions for her.

So off to that chore.

Wish me luck on having a better day today.

Max's video

I am still trying to "discover" how to put Max's video on the Internet. But for the time being, here are my two favorite images from it.

In this one, he is covered with catnip. But the sad thing is, because of his cancer, his eyes looked so "dead."



I like this one because I can't see his dead eyes, and he often was looking out the window like this. Looking to see what was going on in "his yard."

We got massages!!/Longwood Gardens

From a massage therapist who works for Hospice 2 days/week. Wasn't really all that good. She was a really sweet woman though, who had to most beautiful eyes.

Here is what I wrote to Robin about the session. You should have seen Ennis while I was getting my massage. He wouldn't move from my side and either was glaring at her, like "Don't hurt my Mom," or staring at me, like "Are you OK?" That's the first time he's been down to the dungeon (except to use the litter box) in weeks. The massage therapist was impressed by the bond Ennis and I seemed to have. She commented on the long gazing looks we gave each other. She didn't realize, and I didn't say, that it was food love. After she left I smooshed some bonito flakes on his FF, he chowed down, and now, he's back sacked out on the bed. During the whole time Ennis was down there, I felt like saying "Jim, will you please feed the cat?"

As for Longwood Gardens, I am having about 30 of my Internet pals from the FDMB in the weekend of April 28 to have a get-together at Longwood Gardens. Most of these folks are ones that have supported me so strongly through this entire Max diabetes/my hellish cancer treatment/losing my cat Bailey/Ennis diabetes/Jim getting alcoholic end-stage liver disease/my hellish "final" surgery time/my losing my best boy Maxwell time. (Wow, just writing that put me into tears.) It's been a really crappy almost two years that these people have held me up and helped me to go on.

Yes, there have been so many others who have helped--my brothers Les and Dave, my sister-in-law Donna, Annie, Betty, my neighbors, Jim's neighbors, and other local folks.

But the FDMB is a very special place for me. I am not sure I will ever be able to put it behind me once I lose my final (hopefully) diabetic cat. Just a couple days ago I got a bouquet of yellow tulips and purple irises (and a box of very good chocolates) from Teresa and Olivia (GA). She said: I thought you just needed a big time hug. I did, and that lifted my spirits for the rest of the day.

So, anyway, back to the Gardens trip. (I do divert from time to time, don't I? I think it's the whole hot flash/not eating thing. Yep, again today nothing to eat.)

We have people coming in from Maine, Tennessee, California (3 of them), Florida, up-state NY, CT, MA, and also people a little more local like from NYC, NJ, MD, a bunch from western PA. All except one who is coming are women. Thank you Glen, for coming with Robin and having a "romantic" weekend. You two deserve it!!

Still no one from the Pacific NW. Come on Emmy!!

I have co-conspiritors in all of this. Once the group started getting too big for my house and Jim's condo, Alice helped with finding a local motel where I could block rooms. Julie is making "personal cards" for those who care to have them to give out. Cat (SunCat) is making name badges with pictures of the person's diabetic cat(s).

Next weekend, Annie and maybe Laura will be coming from central PA to help me clean my garage and gardens. I never got all the "dead" stuff out last fall, and now the weather has been so warm that the weeds already are springing up. (Springing, never really thought about that word before.)

Two women are coming in on Thursday, I will have to make Philly airport runs, and they will be put to work on cooking and cleaning. Most everyone else is coming on Friday, so I will have a single entree buffet, with salad and bread that night, but one "pot" vegie and one "pot" not.

On Saturday, we will go to the Gardens, hopefully at opening time because there are a few people who need scooters or wheelchairs, and this will be a busy time of the year and there are limited scooters/wheelchairs available. Some folks will show up later in the day.

We will have a cafe lunch at the Gardens. Saturday night, I again will have a dual one entree buffet, with salad and bread, at my house.

Sunday morning, we are thinking about a breakfast buffet (but maybe not) because there will be airport runs to make to get folks out. I can do a buffet if I can find someone local for those airport runs, which I might be able to do.

These are only a few of the details on what is going to be a very busy and huggy weekend. I am still startled that this thing has grown so huge and that I will be meeting some of my closest FDMB friends.

(About to go into tears again.)

I am so looking forward to meeting and hugging you all.

Love to you all. Venita

Jim Graduates from Hospice/Got Broadband Internet!!

Tuesday will be his last day. (Edited: Actually, now we found out it is Monday, which is in effect Friday because his aide takes her birthday holiday off on Monday.)(Edited again: The RN was wrong; Tuesday is the final day.)

This is a good thing, that he is well enough now that the Hospice can let him go. Of course, I believe he will miss his daily aide; I know I will. Weekdays, she would help him with personal care, make him breakfast and clean the breakfast dishes, cut up or clean fruit or vegetables that I bought, make his bed, empty his bedside commode, vacuum the room. She has been a gem and we need to get her a going away present.

Jim can do most of those things for himself, except washing his back and putting lotion on it, and making his bed so that looks as if it really is "made." That's where I am going to come into play again.

I hope they give him a "diploma." Not too many people "graduate" from Hospice.

Got Comcast Cable Internet and phone today. Wowza. Why didn't I do this before? Free (in the package price) long distance. No longer complaints from Jim that I have to get off the Internet for him to make phone calls.

Let me tell you, ATT phone, which has been getting $80-90 from me a month for long distance was pissed. (Too many calls to my FDMB and other friends.) Kept trying to explain to me what a mistake I had made. I think not.

Then my ATT internet service. I was able to downgrade service so that I only get email and my web page (for the cats) from them. That guy wasn't pissy about it at all.

But I had to keep asking both of these people to talk slower so I could understand what they were saying. Offshore outsourcing.

Grief

It's an interesting emotion and can completely change who we are.

I hadn't really though about grief much until the owner of the FDMB asked me to moderate the forum we have there for persons going through the grief process for a lost pet. Moderation means I have to read every message and response.

Yes, I went through a very pronounced period of grief when I lost Max, but I soon became resolved to the fact that his cancer was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done to fix it, I helped him to pass peacefully, and I started remembering the fun things about my best boy.

I believe I also am through the grief of my failed implant surgery. My right side was doomed to failure from the get-go. Anything that could go wrong did go wrong. I really only think about it now when I have pain.

But I still am in a grieving mode, and going to the counselor yesterday helped me to begin to get some understanding of where it is coming from. It's Jim (please don't tell him I said this). When we married, we agreed that we would never live together, but here we are living together. And now that he is feeling better, it's like he keeps an eagle eye on everything I do. He expects me to cook a hot meal every evening; I never did that when I lived alone. There are so many other things, so many expectations he has of me that are just draining my energy and spirit away.

I love him desparately; you all know that. But I cannot live with another person, whomever it is. I am independent and I want my solitude back.

Just don't know how this is going to play out.


On a completely different note, I have an appointment with an animal communicator by phone this weekend. I am concerned about this "mass" near Ennis's stomache and want to know whether that, his diabetes, plain old age, or the loss of Maxie is what is making him so lethargic.

I want to know what Bailey and Max thought of their "hospice" time here and the way they passed.

I want to know whether there are any thoughts in Lily's head whatsoever.

After all the bucks I've spent on vets in the last month and a half, it seems to me that $58 for 45 minutes with an animal communicator isn't necessarily money badly spent.

Care to all!!

Was I Freaking Out? YES!

I had PT this morning. After my exercises, the therapist massages my battle-scarred right side to try to make the scar tissue more flexible. When she started rubbing, this red bump along my incisional scar broke open and started oozing pus. She drained it as best she could, cleaned it up with alcohol, and put a bandage on it. So no massage today.

I called in a refill on an antibiotic I have, and called in a report to Dr. Half-Boob's office. He's on vacation.

PT Bruiser said she didn't see a need to actually go to a DR. She said she would recheck it at our first visit next week.

Why has it been nothing but trouble on the right side?

Ennis is still acting crummy and clingy. Jim is still doing great; getting antsy that I'm not working on taxes.

Got a call last night from my lawn cutting guy. He came out to see what kind of work it would take to get the neighbor's
monkey balls (the seed pod of the sweet gum tree) raked out of my yard.

He quoted me $280. I said no, last year you said $190, and I didn't have you do it; a group of neighborhood women headed over with rakes to help me. He said $200; I said OK. He said next week. I hope we have a huge windstorm before then to knock some more of these things out of the trees.

Last year was so cool. I wanted to get the yard cleaned before my first surgery put me under. These neighbors knew my situation. One would show up, and then another, and then another. Apparently there were phone calls made. In total we had 5 people raking and we got it done in maybe 4 hours. They were so sweet to help.

A few more days; a few more things done

I've had 2 PT sessions so far this week. PT Bruiser tells me I may never regain full range of motion or strength on my right side because of the large amounts of muscle that was taken during my surgeries. Thank you so much Dr. Half-Boob!!

Yesterday, a guy friend and I moved a chest of drawers from Jim's condo to my house. My God, good furniture is heavy. Thank goodness this guy is very strong. He also took away my lawn mower to tune it up and hopefully straighten the shaft that got bent 2 years ago.

I have finally gotten my homework done on broadband internet access and ordered a bundled service (TV,Internet, Phone) from Comcast cable. 2 year commitment. It won't be installed until next Wednesday, then Charles the computer geek will come in to upgrade some of my software and add additional memory.

Before that all happens, I need to clean up some files and back everything up.

My desk is still a mess, but I am getting some things done. The draft of my will came, and I've been pouring through that, as well identifying assets and actual and desired beneficiaries.

Ennis is still really inactive and inappetant. The limping continues, although he did RACE down one set of stairs this morning, for what I don't know.

The Hospice nurse comes tomorrow. Another possibility for Jim to get kicked out. This Hospice has been nothing but extremely responsive. Should Jim or I ever have another need for (and qualify for) Hospice, we will have no qualms about going back to this place.

Today I went to NJ to visit Kris and her charming daughter. I visited with Kris and her pets until her daughter got home from preschool, then we had lunch and did a touch of shopping. Yet another lamp to find a place for. I really needed to eat. I haven't for several days, and even my smallest jeans are starting to sag down to my hips.

While I was out, Jim drove himself to his drinking club (he drinks cranberry juice or ginger ale). He was out a couple of hours. He got cleared by the DR yesterday to drive. He said he felt comfortable driving by himself. That is a huge step!!

Yesterday's Driving Adventure

I am glad that Jim is as concerned about his ability to drive as I am.

We went down to the Merchandise Mart (for those local people who know the place; for those that don't it's a years' old almost completely abandoned outside mall).

Did the emergency stopping, weaving around lamp-posts, pulling in forwards and backwards into parking speaces, including next to parked cars. Jim said he felt comfortable in his car.

When he got onto the street, he was not all that comfortable and I took over the driving after we stopped for brunch.

Jim intends to call his GP on Tuesday for a driving "clearance." I may call Monday and ask the DR to suggest a session or 2 with a driving instructor on the roads.

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Thank you all for watching out for us.

Driving

Today, Jim had a physical therapist evaluate him for driving, and he said he is going to recommend to Jim's GP that he is OK to drive. YESSSHH!! NOOOOOO!!

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I really don't want him hurting himself or others. Sure there are ALOT of people on the roads who are worse off than Jim, but....

We were instructed to take him out to a large vacant parking lot this weekend so he could "get the hang" of driving again. We have a high school nearby.

Jim's biggest problem right now with mobility is the return of osteoarthritis pain in his knees. It was suppressed when he was on prednisone. The GI DR won't authorize a small dose of pred until after Jim's next visit in 2 months. For the time being, we have started him on glucosamine.

I am really procrastinating on calling the vet to deal with this "mass" in Ennis's abdomen. I just can't face the financial and emotional strain that an ultrasound, a fine needle aspiration, and perhaps a surgery would put me (and Ennis) through. He had a hard time with an exploratory surgery 2 years ago. He never really got back to himself.

I'm OK. I failed to take my pills last night, and haven't eaten again for 3 days. Well there was that one Turtle left from my Valentine's gift.

My assignment from the counselor on Monday was to (1) get a tuneup on my computer, including switching to a broadband service and (2) to contact my major client and explain where I am in getting nothing done on their product.

These 3 things (Ennis and the 2 assignments) are overwhelming to me. But I just have to buckle down and do them. I haven't backed up my computer for a year, and should it crash, the entire contents of a book I was working on until last spring would completely diappear. So would all the contact info I have on my friends at FDMB.

So my assignment to myself in the morning, before PT at 10am, is to backup.

Then I start making a list of the things I need the computer geek to do to upgrade my system, and call him for an appointment next week. I still am confused whether to go with cable or telephone line for Broadband, but I think I'm leaning toward cable. I will switch over my phone too so that I get their "introductory" package of $100 a month for all 3 services (phone, digital cable, internet) for a year.

What do I do if the cable goes down, as it is prone to do a few times a year for a day or two. Can I still keep dial-up as a backup? I doubt I can if the phone is on cable. I do now have a cell phone. Maybe I just have to go to the library for Internet access.

Not Another Problem--Please

Ennis went to the vet on Tuesday. His 6 month (a little late) wellness check. I scheduled it because he's been kind of down after losing Maxie. I also was worried; I didn't want to miss something that could be fixed if found early. Ennis also has been limping, and I wanted to get a fPLI test for pancreatic function. Dr. Alan said that he advises clients that cats can take up to 2 months to "recover" from the loss of another cat in the "pack."

Eyes OK
Ears waxy, but OK
Teeth horrible, needs a dental. Might want to put him on prophylactic ABs.

Abdomen, near the stomache, there a small mass.

That's when my brain flew out of my head. Dr. Alan knew I did not need to hear this again. I just heard "large mass" a month ago and now Maxie is gone.

Abdominal X-Rays. Also an X-ray of his limpy leg.

While they are off taking Ennis's X-Rays, I read through the chart. Yes! He had exploratory surgery 2 summers ago, maybe it is scar tissue, but near his stomache? That can't be right. It was his bowel that was opened (by a different vet). Also, 8 months ago Dr. Alan noted in the records that there was a small mass near the stomache. I don't remember being told that.

Abdominal X-Rays showed nothing of note. Dr. Alan recommended against an ultrasound at this point, as long as Ennis is not vomiting, which he isn't. Loose stool, but that is likely stress from Max and getting some different food each day as I try to keep him interested in food. And dealing with the pet food recall.

Leg X-Ray showed a touch of osteoarthritis in his knee joint, nothing in his shoulder. Given some sort of glucosamine powder for his food, and the suggestion of x% of a baby aspirin once or twice a day. I will have to call back on that. Also, we never followed up on the antibiotics. (Remember, I said my brain flew out of my head).

They are sending the fPLI through Antech Labs, not directly to Texas A&M, so that only adds $40 to the cost.

Well, yes, sure I want a senior panel and a urinalysis!! Ennis was too squirmy (fractious, hissing and growling at everyone) to get too much blood, so they have to run the lab in house (bigger bucks again). And no urine, AGAIN. How does this happen. This is a diabetic cat who hasn't peed for at least 4 hours. There should be something in there!!

After discussions with people on the FDMB, I know I need to take him for an ultrasound and, if appropriate, a fine needle aspiration. So I need to talk to Dr. Alan to get a referral to the radiologist at the specialty center. I just can't wrap my head around this right now.

Started back to PT yesterday. My right side is one massive scarred up mess, such tightness that I have diminished range of motion in my arm. I will see PT Bruiser 3x/week, when I can, and massage myself (to "break up" the scar tissue) on the days I don't see her.

Jim and Lily continue to thrive. Jim goes for his driver's evaluation this morning. I don't know whether to hope he passes or fails. I do worry about him, and his safety, and other peoples' safety.

A Summary Update, for Those on FDMB

Jim, my husband, is in end-stage liver failure. We don't know what miracle happened but he has his mind and most of his body back. He still has some blood values out of whack, but I believe his sheer will, an appropriate diet and fluids, and an adjustment in medication, has brought him through the crisis. He still has problems with his gait (he won't exercise). He is in a Hospice program, but I doubt that will last much longer. He is very independent, and his Hospice aide and he get him and his living space cleaned up, and get him breakfast, within 45 minutes each morning.

Jim gets a physical therapy evaluation on Thursday to see whether he is capable of driving. His condo is on the market; I posted a link below.

I have (or had) Stage IIIa breast cancer. I have had two mastectomies, chemo, and radiation on one side. I was going to have breast reconstruction with silicone implants, but my skin on the right side was so damaged from the radiation that the plastic surgeon did not do anything on that side. I still have pain there and will start physical therapy again this week to try to overcome the tightness and pain. Once the swelling and pain is gone (might be quite a few months), I will consult with another plastic surgeon and get a prosthesis for that side. I still have no feeling in my finger tips and toes from the chemo. Makes it a little tough to type.

My GP has upped my anti-depression meds, and wants to see me now every month. I have started couseling because of my disappointment over the failed implant.

We lost Max about 10 days ago to pancreatic-origin cancer. He got very sick very quickly after it was DX, although it likely had been affecting him for a long time. Jim and I grieved terribly for about 5 days, but now we are pulling our lives back together. (I lost another 4 pounds, which I didn't need.) We have not yet received Max’s cremains, and are very anxious to get them.

Ennis, Max’s diabetic littermate, seems to miss him a lot, and has been pretty clingy. He also stopped eating for awhile, but that’s been resolved. He is limping, like he has some soft tissue damage. Also vocalizing more. He’s going to the vet tomorrow.

Lily loves Max being gone. He used to terrify her. But now she’s another rung up on the power ladder.

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WooHoo. Condo on the Market!

The listing is here. There are no pictures yet; but they will be there.

Showings start tomorrow or Tuesday.

A Tribute to Maxie, My Best Boy

This was sent to me by dear friends who don't post here, but who follow our blog.


I LOVED YOU THE BEST
by Jim Willis, copyright 2002
(I hope I'm not violating copyright laws, but this poem is all over the Internet)


So this is where we part, My Friend,
and you'll run on, around the bend,
gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you'll surely find.

I will go on, I'll find the strength,
life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,
but they be they, and they aren't you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
will remember well all you've taught.

Your place I'll hold, you will be missed,
the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
take with you this.... I loved you best.



I do try not to make favorites, but Max was mine. He was such a happy loving cat.He should have been here longer. 14 years was not nearly enough.

Saw GP Yesterday

She seems glad I have fallen apart. She said it was spooky that I was going through what I had been going through the last year and staying so stoic and in control. What an off thing for her to say; but I think she was just trying to give me "permission." She also raised my antidepressant dose, but refused to change the med because she said she thought it was working for me.

Now instead of our normal 2 month visit cycle, we are back on a one month cycle. SIGH.

I started working yesterday on trying to list all my cash assets, identify who presently was named as beneficiary, and figure out the rules for sending different assets to different places to minimize the taxable events at my death. I am an accountant, and I do my best at reading tax codes and publications, but I need some realiable, plain English advise about my questions. I talked to one fellow at a major mutual fund company today, asking questions about inheritance situations, and it was clear (to me) he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

I really hate to hire a tax CPA to help me figure this out. I did that once when I was trying to set up the depreciation schedule for my home-based business, and that was pricey. And that I could write off as a business expense. This I couldn't.

Jim was scheduled for his driver's evaluation this morning, but we are supposed to have a "wintery mix" and he doesn't want to travel the hour each way it would take. So I have to reschedule him.

Ennis goes to the vet today, maybe. The appt is for 2pm, and I had wanted to get an fPLI blood test on him, which requires fasting, and there is no way that that chow hound would have fasted until 2pm. Depending on what the weather does, I may reschedule to a morning appt next week, or just take him in this PM and not do the fPLI, or do it non-fasting.

For the non-diabetic cat people reading this (and maybe for some of them), an fPLI test is a specialty test done at the University of Texas. It tests the pancreatic function of the cat. The pancrease is the primary organ involved in the production (or non-production) of insulin, which keep blood sugar levels down.

When Max went into remission from diabetes, I had this test run on him, and his values were higher (worse) than anyone I spoke to had ever seen. But he was asymptomatic for diabetes and pancreatitis (another disease of the pancres). I wanted the test re-run, I suspected sample contamination, but the vet said save your money, you know he has a diseased pancreas, but the part that is functioning is functioning very well.

Well, one year later Max passed from a pancreatic-origin tumor, considered rare in cats. Makes me wonder if the fPLI test results were telling us something early on.

Given genetics, given Ennis (Max's littermate) is actively diabetic, I want to check out where he is on the fPLI.

Ennis also seems depressed and is limping. It's also been 6 months since he's had an exam. Time to go.

We Went to the Lawyer Today

Wowza!! What headaches we had, and exhausted.

I am trying to set up a trust with my assets to make sure Jim is appropriately cared for in a home setting should I predecease him. I have promised him no nursing home. But I also want whatever is left over to go to my brother who has MS, because he also has serious medical needs.

We had to talk about the tax effects of this asset vs. that asset going into the trust, and an arrangement for selling my house and how anything outside of the “trust” that I will to Jim would go to Jim’s heirs, not my brother, unless he changes his will or the beneficiaries on certain accounts.

My head is really jumbled about this, and I am sure I will need another meeting with this lawyer (who is very good) to figure out how I am supposed to designate beneficiaries on retirement and other accounts and assets that allow me to do designate beneficiaries.

I have 2 very special people in my life, both with serious illnesses. Should I pass before them, I want to help take care of them. There is a lot of “trust” in the arrangement that I am setting up, but I do trust them. Well at least I trust Jim while he has mental capacity, as he does now. If that goes, then my brother is in charge of the trust for Jim. I hate to put that burden on my brother, but I have no one else to put in this situation, and the lawyer recommended against a professional trustee (like a bank) because of the fees.

My prayers are with both of them should I go first that they do the right thing by each other. I love them both, deeply. They both know that, and they will, I know, respect my wishes. The lawyer also knows that should I pass before Jim, there are some things Jim needs to do to make sure my wishes are honored. They aren’t legally binding. I can do little to “reach out from the grave,” as the lawyer puts it. But I can express my intent in my will, as a “reminder” to everyone involved.

By the way, I am not planning to go anywhere soon.

We Still are Recovering from Losing Maxman

When Jim and I, or I, come into the house now, it is strangely quiet.

No Maxie greeting us, even a delayed greeting as he was prone to the last few weeks.

Ennis sleeping in his bed on the desk. Lily who knows where.

Ennis has started howling. A very mournful, painful howl. Just a few times a day. Is he missing Max, or is he ill? I suspect the former, but I have set up a vet appt for him in about 10 days.

Kris has asked me to come to her side of the DE river for a lunch soon. Jim and I were in the drug store today and I found the cutest little Ty beanie baby for Kris's daughter.


A lamb in a tutu and ballet shoes. So ugly it's cute. Maybe the daughter will name her after me. The stuffed rabbit we sent her after the photo shoot got named Mr. Davies, after Jim (even though that's not exactly Jim's last name). This child is such a doll, but it's not my place to put a picture of her (or her name) on here. But she is a camera hound, and was grinning ear-to-ear with Mr. Davies, the stuffed rabbit.

My goodness, this shift to DST has me all discombobulated. It always does. Why can't we just choose one or the other, or split the difference, and stop all this time change nonsense? Click and Clack (CarTalk on NPR) about a year suggested a split time shift: 1/2 hour in March and another 1/2 hour in April or May. I would vote for that over what we have now.

And because I haven't upgraded my computer's operating system, it was so stupid that it didn't change time today. I did it manually. And in 3 weeks, when it thinks it is time-shift time, I will have to manually reset it again.

I hate computers.

Feeling Oddly Relieved

Max was DX diabetic 7/25/05. I was well, and I poured my heart into learning about his disease and by 1/1/06, he was thankfully in remission.

Not too long after I was DX with breast cancer, Max was DX with early chronic renal failure (CRF). I didn't have the time or energy to put into learning about that disease, and I never could get Max accustomed to the treatment regimen he was prescribed, except for the blood pressure pills which he would gladly snarf up in pill pockets.

The next vet visit showed his CRF had progressed. At the time, Jim was into liver failure so I continued to put off Max's treatment, but my lack of care was gnawing at me. He started losing weight and appetite and I again thought progressing CRF. Got him to the vet maybe a month past his "due date," again other obligations, and that is when his tumor was found. A rushed appt for an ultrasound confirmed inoperable cancer.

17 days from initial tentative diagnosis to euthanasia. 17 days of watching my best boy just slip away.

I probably shouldn't, but I feel relieved to have that burden off my shoulders. Of course I also am sick in my stomach from losing him. But he wasn't my Max anymore, and it got more and more that way everyday, and there was not going too be anyway to "cure" this one.

Fly free Maxwell, Maxie, Max, Maxomine, my fat-faced boy, my cat in footy pajamas, sweet pea, my best boy. When I first brought you and Ennis home, I never thought you would be able to worm your way into my heart, but you did. I still have Ennis who wlll be a daily reminder of you, his littermate. Let's hope Ennis doesn't continue to walk down your health path. Treating Ennis for diabetes is enough, and something I know I can handle with my eyes closed, because you taught me so very, very well.

Thank you for going peacefully. Thank you for not suffering too much from the cancer while I worked out MY emotions about setting you free. Thank you for continuing to love me through those last two rugged weeks. Thank you for having loved me, and for worming your way into my heart.

Please look for Charlie and Blanche. You never met them, but my losing them was the reason I found you and Ennis. You need to thank them for sending you to me. Also look for your buddy Bailey, and let him know I miss him too.

And please come to see me in my dreams.

Max is Gone

He actually had a good night; slept with me, ate a mid-night snack; was holding his tail up.

He passed peacefully on my bed, on my chemo lap throw, with me holding his head and whispering in his ear. The mobile vet, who we had never used before, was very caring and didn't rush us at all.

Kris and the vet and I took three watercolor paw prints between the sedation and the barbituate.

Thanks to all for your kind words. A very special thanks to Kris for coming to hold me together.

Link to announcement on FDMB.

Maxie is Leaving

Tomorrow. 9am vet appt at my house. This is so incredibly difficult.

Kris is coming to be with me during the procedure. I know it will be easy on Max, but I really don't want him to leave. He is my best boy.

Found my Eyeglasses

They were on a window sill in the guest bedroom where I feed Max and Lily dry food. I must have taken them off to pill Max.

I see Dr. Half-Boob this morning. We see a realtor at Jim's condo this afternoon. I am glad he is putting the condo on the market, but I have no idea where we are going to store all his stuff, unless I just make a huge storage area out of my living room. No that won't work, because that won't show well if I put my house on the market. But I could use some of his furniture here at the house.

We are talking about, in the late summer/fall, putting my house on the market and buying a ranch. A huge sprawling ranch so I can have my side of the house and Jim can have his. Might need to build a Berlin wall. I love my house now so much; I've put so much into the yard. I really hate to start all over.

Jim's DR approved him yesterday for an occupational therapist to give him a driving evaluation. I have to check with hospice about whether his being on Hospice will interfere with Medicare paying for this (if Medicare even would). I don't think Jim is ready for driving yet, but it would be nice if he could, for example, take himself for his weekly blood draws.

We also got a scrip for a blood draw to check his platelet and red and white blood cell counts. He has a dental cleaning next week, and the dentist and I wanted to make sure he was OK for the scraping that could lead to gum bleeding.

DR also wants him on vitamin C for his thin skin/skin tears.

So things are chugging along here.

Now I've Lost my Eyeglasses

Jim and I searched all over for them this morning. Nowhere in sight (but then I have no sight without my glasses).

Thank goodness the old/spare pair that I keep in the car work reasonably well.

Jim and I went out yesterday for a "trash lunch" (cheesesteaks--completely not allowed on his diet), and took them to his "drinking club" so he could see his buddies. Jim only drinks cranberry juice at the club these days.

Today, he has a 10am with his GP, who he sees monthly, and maybe an appt with a realtor to talk about putting his condo on the market. He knows he cannot do the 14 steps that it would take to get up to his bedroom/full bathroom.

Max continues to hold on. He has such a thirst, that I keep water bowls around everywhere. He's moving mighty slowly. And his belly is getting bigger, telling me that either the tumor is growing larger or he has internal bleeding. His ears, nose, toes, and gums still look pink, so I suspect the former. I'm not sure what "comfort" measures to do about that. I'll call the vet to see if there are choices. He also continues to be very difficult to "pill."

As for me, I saw the counselor on Monday. This is going to be a process because all I could do the full hour way cry about my woes: inattentive to Jim, Max's illness, my depression. I did make a handwritten list of the chaos/clutter areas in my life, and she agreed that I needed to subdivide them into manageable "chunks." For example, I can't just write "clean the garage." I have to subdivide it into "deal with the cardboard boxes," "deal with the styrofoam packing," "deal with the planting containers," etc.

She thought me planning the Longwood Gardens trip was great. Someplace to direct my energy. And she loves the support I get from the FDMB.

This counselor is such a baby. She's got to be in her 20s. I asked her what she does on the days she isn't doing counseling at the Cancer Center. She teaches at the University of Delaware. Where was my head; of course that is what PhD candidates do.

I really would prefer someone older and closer than Dr. Emotion. But she has hands on experience with cancer "victims" two days a week. I asked her whether I was unique in the pit I am in right now. She said I was, a little, although many cancer patients have coping issues. But she said the extra load of Jim, the change in our living arrangements, and my sick cats puts me right down there in the bottom of the pit.

I showed her Kris's video of Max. I told her I had moved my medications to my desk, where I spend most of my time, so that I could better remember to take them. We talked about things Jim could do around the house to help ME a little more. But she also agreed that, in many cases, men are men (that is, the center of the universe).

Not sure what more to say. I just wish the cats wouldn't wake me every night around 3am for food. Once I get up, I'm up, and I do really need to rest.

I Flunked my Counseling Assignments

I see the counselor again tomorrow.

I had only 3 assignments for the last 2 weeks.

1. Take my pills everyday on time. I have messed up maybe 3 times.

2. Clean off the kitchen table so I might be encourage to eat a meal in a pleasant environment. I did get most of the table cleaned off. I don't know what to do with the boxes and instructions for the cell phone and digital camera I got this summer. And now a DVD that Simon (Jazzman) had a friend send to me so I could play Region 2 DVDs is there also.

3. Make a list of all the other chaos and clutter places in my house/life so that I can start to work on cleaning those up. I haven't even started, except in my head.

I have been trying to clean up my work desk and get my bills paid. I have been spending quality time with Max (and some not so quality time as I pill and syringe feed him).

I have been inattentive to Jim, although I did fry him a cheeseburger for dinner tonight, after he complained that he would have to make himself a cold sandwich AGAIN. I have been working on organizing the Longwood Gardens trip. I have been inattentive to Ennis, being very inconsistent with his insulin shots.

I did take care of the flood in Jim's bathroom today when he flushed the toilet and the water didn't go down and the tank flap didn't seal and I came down and said "why did you leave the faucet running" and then found 2 inches of water on the floor, and into two adjacent rooms.

My comforter and blanket are in the dryer and I'm not sure I will be able to have the strength or memory to go down to get them before I crash here soon.

So much to do. So little getting done. I have never been this ineffective before. (Well there was one time years ago when I couldn't function for 6 months and despite all the tests the DR did, he couldn't figure out what the problem was.)

Why am I this way? Is it chemo and radiation treatment residual? Is it the disappointment over the failed implant surgery. Is it having Jim in the house 24/7? Could it be some metastatic disease that is just wearing me down? For the past couple weeks, I've been woken several times during the night with painful cramps in my feet and legs. I have to get up and do those stretches against the wall. I took a sleeping pill last night, and only got 5 hours out of it.

I cancelled my plastic surgeon appt last week because I couldn't handle it. I cancelled the lawyer appt for tomorrow because I couldn't handle it. I have to drive Jim out for blood tests tomorrow morning, and I really don't want to do it.

I haven't eaten for 2 days.

How in the world am I going to get out of this pit I am in?

Today's Report

Max and I took a slow walk in the yard today. He loves the porch, and usually tries to bolt into the yard, and this time I let him go. He's moving so slow, but he enjoyed eating the onion grass and was ready to come back in after about 5 minutes.


He is slowly going; not eating well. I tried some syringe feeding this morning and that seemed to get him stimulated to eat some on his own. I am giving him EVO dry, but he is having a hard time picking the pieces out of the bowl to put on the floor, where he eats them. A little while ago, though, he threw up his food, then came on the desk incredibly wobbly and anxious. I gave him Pepcid AC and a pain pill. I told him several times that it is OK to go, and that he needs to tell me.

Jim continues to be fine. I wish he would do some exercising to help with his balance, but he won't. He sees his GP next week, and we need to ask for protocol on having his teeth cleaned. We may need a blood test for platelet count to make sure he's not susceptible to bleeding.

I am better than yesterday because Max seems in less distress. Yesterday, I was almost ready to call for a euthanasia appointment. He's was more active earlier today. I had a dental cleaning this morning and GOLD STAR: no restorative work to be done. I do still have dry mouth from chemo or the anti-depressants and the dentist suggested I start using the Biotene mouthwash and drops again.

This is one of the pictures Kris took of the two cancer victims here. (The one above and below also are by her, bless her heart.) You can see how badly maimed my right side is. I still have discomfort from the radiation, but it doesn't reach the level of pain that I had when the expander was in. (If you want to see larger images, you can click on the image.) The dark areas are the radiation burn. The very dark area in the center of the whole mess is where I am concave, not flat. I really hope no more women on this planet get breast cancer; what a fantasy.


This is Max with his pink string. I had tied a fur mouse on the end of a 200 foot roll of pink twine. For years that has been his favorite toy. He would get the mouse from its spot in the bedroom, and start howling that he had "made a kill," and drag the string throughout the house, things like taking it down 2 flights of stairs and wrapping it around chair legs. Every morning, I would have to rewrap the twine roll, and we would have the same thing next night. Sometimes in the daytime. He doesn't play with the pink string anymore.

More Pics from Kris--Not

Kris sent me the most fabulous video of her time here photographing Max and me, set to music. I haven't a clue on how to attach it to this blog, so I won't. But I wanted to show you some of the images on the video.

Well, I tried, but Blogger couldn't seem to make it happen without alot of effort. I'll try another way later, because Kris did a fabulous job.

I'm sure it's my dialup that's causing the problem.

The Last Couple of Days

Kris, one of our FDMB friends, came Tuesday to do some "final" pics of Max. She's sending all the pics and a slide show put to music. She warned that I may not want to watch the slide show now. THANK YOU KRIS!!

Max is drugged. I'm not sure pain pills are helping or hurting him. I tried one type yesterday, and he was lethargic and won't eat, even the junk food. Another type last night and he has been staring into space, almost immobile, with the most dialated eyes ever since. Nothing seems to be helping; he is just fading. I have brought a bowl of water onto the desk next to his bed, and he is drinking.

Max went to the Alternative/Holistic vet on Tuesday. Got an acupuncture. No massage, because we don't want to start an abdominal bleed. She gave me Chinese herbs to put into his food (no can do if not eating) and a "tincture" to syringe into him. (Why am I torturing him?) She also wanted to do high dose Intravenous Vitamin C. That would have been 3 days in a row for 4-5 hours a day. I declined; torture again. Neither she nor the mobile vet have a blood pressure machine. CRAP! One said they were too expensive (what? you take hundreds of dollars from me and you can't afford a couple thousand dollar piece of tax deductible equipment?) and the other said she and the salesman couldn't get the one she wanted to buy to work consistently. SIGH.

The mobile vet said she could come to the home for a euthanasia with a day's notice. She usually travels with her children, but not for that procedure, so she would have to find a sitter. She's the only mobile vet I've been able to find in the area. She also doesn't do the barbituates by IV. She injects them directly into the heart. That bothers me.

As for Jim; he's great. We see the Hospice nurse this morning and expect he will be discharged. That's OK; we can call them back any time. He doesn't need any significant care right now.

I'm still depressed from my failed implant surgery and now Max's condition. I see Dr. Half Boob this afternoon. That will likely be the last I see of him. I will ask about his new partner, but I have the name of another breast reconstructive surgeon I could see for a 2nd opinion. But that's down the road. Kris did take some pics of my "surgical results." Max and me; the 2 cancer "victims." I do feel like a victim now, with the huge hole on my right side with skin that is as red as a cherry. I hope they come out like a Diane Arbus "freak" picture, because that's what I feel like right now.

I know this isn't a happy post, but I guessed some were wondering where I have been.

By the way, I am starting to hate this curly hair. It's at a completely unmanageable length.

Max Again

The Saturday visit to the fill-in vet was good. She didn't charge an office visit or half the meds she sent me home with. She also was very gentle with Max. I love this practice because (except when X-Rays are being taken) clients are allowed in the "back room."

Max's blood pressure was normal, and the bloodwork showed that he had internal bleeding, but the vet agreed that was likely from the past bleed, and not an active bleed. Again cautions to do clinical exams at home.

Max isn't himself. He's finding new hiding places, and didn't sleep with me last night (although he took a nap with me yesterday afternoon). He's also doing the meatloaf hunch. He rarely comes up to his bed on the desk, although he is here now, bless his heart.

So now we also are a cat Hospice. Keep Max as comfortable as possible until he tells me it's time to check out. Giving him SubQ fluids daily is really a chore. He hates them and too often I pass the needle through the "tent" and end up "wetting" the bed and Max.

I will be talking to the regular vet today about what we do now, including maybe "de-bulking" the tumor through chemo. I am not interested in surgery for that purpose. I don't think Max would survive it, and I don't want him to pass that way.

The fill-in vet suggested regular BP and blood tests to see whether he is bleeding internally. I will talk with the mobile vet about whether she can help me do that. Depending on how he responds to the massage and acupunture on Tuesday (or maybe later in the week because we have "weather" now), if we return to the Alternative vet on a regular basis, she likely can do the tests he needs.

I'm now getting used to calling him my little cancer cat. He is eating well on the Hills A/D I got for him. Part of that might be the cypro he gets to stimulate his appetite.

I am so sorry, Robin, if you are reading this. Robin recently lost her dear cat Peri to this same sort of thing, although she didn't get much of a Hospice period with him.

People say take lots of pictures. I got a digital camera for my birthday last summer, but I haven't really figured it out. I also hate the delay between pushing the shoot button and it actually capturing the picture. I can't get a face shot, just a profile.

For those who haven't seen a pic of Max, here's a link. This shows why I have always called him my fat faced fellow.

Maxwell Update--Not Good

Max has a huge shaved area from his ultrasound, and I kept the hair. I plan to find a nice antique jar to put it in.

Ennis tried to hiss at him when they met up, and Ennis got a slap on his butt.

The Radiology Report

Findings: 10.1cm, invasive, pancreatic-origin tumor which encircles portal vein prior to entering liver. Ascites which is hemoabdomen. Splenomegaly with hypoechoic parenchymal stippling.

Diff Diagnosis: Pancreatic carcinoma in non-resectible form. Mass rupture. Hemoabdomen.

Sure contains a lot of words that were meaningless to me. But I have since learned "hemoabdomen" means blood in the abdomen and "non-resectible" means it cannot be surgically removed. "Mass rupture" with the other words of course means the tumor has opened and is bleeding into his belly. "Splenomegaly" means his spleen is involved. 10.1 cm is about 3.75"

What the Radiologist Told us Verbally

It’s a pancreatic origin tumor that cannot be removed because it has wrapped itself around the portal vein (the vein from the liver). The tumor has ruptured and Max is bleeding internally. The radiologist is 95% sure that it is cancer.

Besides the ultrasound, he did an ultrasound guided abdominocentesis to draw some of the blood from his belly. He gave it to me in a tube to take to Max’s vet in case he wanted it analyzed for tumor cells and pathologized.

The radiologist suggested I talk with the general vet about options and outcomes. Surgery and/or chemo may be able to “de-bulk” the tumor and make Max more comfortable. The radiologist doesn’t think Max is in pain right now, just feeling shitty like he has the flu. I left the blood sample and US pictures off with the general vet (who won’t be in until Monday), and the radiologist will have the report faxed over.

I will not be taking Max for surgery on Monday because the vet already has said that if it were a tumor he could not completely remove, he would let Max pass on the table. No need to open him up; we know what’s there. And not yet time to PTS.

With the help of a vet tech friend on the FDMB, plans have been made today (to see a "fill-in vet) to do a little more blood work and to get a blood pressure reading to see how much Max is bleeding internally. I also know the signs to look for clinically: whitened gums, whitened paw pads, ascites (swelling of the belly).

I called back to the radiologist to see why he didn't do this blood test and blood pressure reading. He said that on clinical exam, US, and the visual on the blood that was drawn from Max's belly, it was not an active bleed. He echoed the cautions the vet tech had given me about clinical symptoms, agreed today's tests were appropriate, and also said to try and keep Max from too much physical activity. I was very distressed when Max fell off the bed last night, looking up at me with a "What the F?" look. I carefully lifted him back to bed.

I really screwed up last night and didn't test or shoot Ennis for his diabetes or take my own meds. Because of finding out about Max's cancer, I just curled up in the bed about 6:30 and tried to forget the world.

About 4am I was woken by Max on my right side and Ennis on my left side, both pawing my face. I swear it was synchronized. I had gone to bed without feeding them. I opened a can (I sometimes keep cat food in my bedroom), and plopped it down onto a single plate. They shared and ate most of it. I had to smile.

As I'm sitting on the can, Max comes in, sits down, and starts washing his face. Ennis PLOPS down on the bedroom floor. OMG! Hypo? Nope, one of Althea's Nip sticks. Then Lily (my dry food kitty) comes over to the food plate and tries to bury it.

All was well with the world, but then I started getting nauseous with fear over losing all this "normalcy' and woke Jim up to hold me while I cried. He didn't really want to do that; he wanted me to get myself a glass of warm milk and take my evening pills. That I did, as well as tested and shot Ennis and gave the cats a proper breakfast ~ 5am.

I also have made an appointment for a phone consult with his regular vet (back in on Monday) to see where we go next. Even if we could get rid of this tumor, Max would continue to be a diabetic, CRF cat. But we can't get rid of the tumor.

I also have an appt. with an Alternative Vet (the one who put Bailey down) for Max to have a Reiki massage and acupuncture on Tuesday, to make him more comfortable.

I also have gotten the phone number of a mobile vet who will come to the house for euthanazia, when that time comes.

Max's Ultrasound This Morning

I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad, I'm not sure I can drive. Max and Ennis are annoyed that there is no food or water. (Lily gets the crack room.) I don't want to give Ennis his behind closed doors because then Max will feel singled out (before he needs to be).

Wish us far better luck today than we've had almost any other day this past year.

GI DR Visit, Max and Lily Update

Jim and I both saw the GI Dr today. I have some elevated liver values, a slightly enlarged liver, and a "spot" on my liver that he wouldn't worry about except for the breast cancer. He asked whether I had stopped drinking alcohol, and I said no. He asked why. I told him all the issues I've been through in the last 3 months, caring for Jim, my failed implant replacement, how I have started counseling but that quiting drinking is way down my to do list there. He wasn't judgmental. He simply asked that I make sure it is on my to list. He ordered a followup abdominal CT scan for me in April.

He was really impressed with Jim's progress. He said that Jim has clearly "stabilized." Jim asked, and the Dr agreed to an increase in his fluid allowance from 1200 cc a day to 2000 cc a day. Dr. also agreed that Hospice may kick him out because he is no longer on death's door. Jim's sodium is now down back into a normal range, although his kidney values still are out of whack.

We both go in for a followup in 3 months.

Max is very lethargic and standoffish today. I can't tell if it that he is feeling bad from the tumor, or pissed and hurt from all of yesterday's trauma at the vet. Boy, I'm sure he is really going to be happy with the ultrasound and possible fine needle aspiration on Friday.

But he is picking at the Hill's A/D diet, formulated for cats that are faced with a serious illness, injury or surgery. Ennis also is helping to lap it up, but that's not good for him because it is 13% carbs, which he doesn't need with his diabetes.

I also have to give Max 150 ml of Ringer's Lactate a day, by Sub Q. And the vet gave me (free) the potassium and Vitamin B-12 to put in the bag. I got that all done last night, and inserted in administration line, but failed to put on the "brake." So all the fluid and nutrients ended up on the carpet.

I called the vet and they have sent a scrip to a local vet to provide me with the potassium and Vit B-12. And some more A/D, because the boyz have gone through 3 6oz. cans in one day.

Lily's bloodwork comfirms the early CRF. Her BUN is 53, out of range, although her creatinine is in the normal range. Her urine specific gravity was something like 1.017, which is really low. They want me to start her on a fatty acid supplement and Hill's K/D. Also enalapril for blood pressure. She is a dry food only cat. I have no idea how I am going to manage this.

I still have made no progress on the cluttered kitchen table, although I have taken my pills on time, which was the #1 chore.

Take care all.

We Might be Losing Maxwell

I took Max and Lily to the vet today.

I thought Max's recent weight loss and inappetance was his kidney disease progressing. Nope, he has a large tumor on his liver. The tumor was clearly palpable, and X-Rays confirmed it. Liver values are through the roof.

The vet is going out of town this afternoon for the rest of the week, so he can't operate until Monday. Vet said that he would open Max up and see exactly which organs are affected, and whether he could remove the mass. If not, he suggested not waking Max back up. Vet also said that as sick as Max is right now, he may survive the anesthesiology. I was instructed to say my goodbyes to Max before I drop him off on Monday. The vet said that waiting in his office for the outcome of the surgery would not be a good idea.

Vet gave me the name of a nearby veterinary surgeon in case I did not want to wait until Monday. Said it would triple the cost, but that a far more skilled pair of hands would be in there. Well, now Max gets anything he wants to eat. Even the evil dry EVO. Getting some weight back on him might help build strength to get through this.

At the urging of some members of the FDMB, I have scheduled Max for an abdominal ultrasound on Friday. This will give us a better idea of the nature of the tumor and its involvement with organs other than the liver. If it appears limited to the liver, he may have a fine needle aspiration to draw out tissue for pathology. (Unlikely the pathology would be available before Monday.) It the tumor/growth appears to be diffuse throughout the abdomen, there is no need to open him up, just make the decision to PTS at the appropriate time. I would like to find a vet who could come to the house to do it. Baring that, I may take him to the vet who put Bailey down in such a gentle way.

On a side note, civie Lily has now joined the kidney disease club.

Today's Drs

Dr. Chemo. What a nice man. He was very sympathetic to my implant failure, even took my glasses off my face and wiped my tears. (Of course, he doesn't have a dog in this fight.) He suggested I change from Effexor to Welbutrin as my antidepressant, but my GP won't "permit" the change without an office visit. Sure, yeah, I have time for that.

The DR suggested a second plastic surgeon opinion. He named a new PS in the area who moved here from the Cleveland Clinic because her husband was appointed chair of the hospital's brand new cardiac unit. He wasn't sure where she was practicing. This story sounded so familiar to me. I googled her name, but couldn't find her--found her husband. So I called his office to find where his wife was working. Jeez, no wonder it sounded familiar; she is my Dr. Half Boob's new partner. Wouldn't that make for an awkward 2nd opinion?

Dr. Chemo wasn't surprised that I don't have feeling in my fingers, toes, and mouth after the Taxol chemo. Said it was a good sign that I have the feeling back in my feet; it means I likely, over time, will regain my digits. See him again in 6 months.

Jim and I then went to the hospital's outpatient lab for our blood draws. What a zoo. We must have waited an hour.

Brought Jim back home and went back down to the cancer center for my counseling. What a child this Dr. in training is. Kimberly. Yes, Alice, Dr. Head is a little strange, now that someone with a mind like yours brings it up. Let's call her Dr. Emotion.

I poured out my heart. Having been through counseling before, I know how to do it. She did way too much head nodding, and whenever I would take a huge break from talking, she would chime in, usually with comments of empathy. She did agree I was betrayed by not being told the fact of the 40% failure rate for implants in irradiated tissue.

She kept asking what I could do to help my situation. I finally focused on the chaos that is surrounding me. I usually am a very methodical person, but there are so many places in my house and life that are completely out of control and I am overwhelmed/frozen by them. So we agreed on 3 "tasks."

1. I will take my pills on time every day, am and pm.

2. I will clean all the clutter off the kitchen table so that there is an appropriate and pleasant place for me to sit and eat a meal with Jim, should I care to.

3. I will make a list of all the other clutter places in the house that are troubling me. Just so I have a "to do" list.

That is what I needed. A plan that I could "work" and accomplish. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is a big deal for me (and that kitchen table is a huge commitment). I can't start on it until tomorrow because tonight I have to get paperwork ready to take Max and Lily to the vet tomorrow morning. So much to talk with the vet about Max's kidney disease and inappetance.

I see Dr. Emotion again in 2 weeks. She's only there 2 days a week. That should work for me, and I might be able to make some headway on the "to do" list I put together.

She also encouraged me to try to get out, away from the house without Jim, for "fun" things. Because Jim and I haven't lived together before, my fun thing always was to go visit him at his drinking club. I may ask Liza to go to a movie with me this weekend. I am trying to get together with Kris (from FDMB) for a lunch. Hell, I may even take a walk around the block once it warms up this week.

Oh, the furnace shut down last night. Nothing I could do would bring it back. We ran space heaters all night and the fireburning fire place with the new doors (thank you again Kurt). Got a technician in this morning, and $250 later, got a new breaker switch on the furnace. OK, I didn't pay for the switch; I paid for someone knowing the switch was the problem.

Thank you all for your support. I told Dr. Emotion about the FDMB and this blog. She did not seem at all surprised that I could find support from cyberfriends on the Internet.

Counseling Starts Monday

and it can't come too soon. I missed both my AM and PM pills yesterday, and that's not good. No meals either, even though I bought myself a filet of beef.

The GP had no recommendations for a psychologist. PT Bruiser said that she didn't have that tool in her arsenal, although she should.

Thank God I called the Breast Care Coordinator at the cancer center. They do counseling, free of charge, for cancer patients and family. I have an appt at 2pm with a PhD candidate who is doing her residency there. She's only be there a couple more months, but maybe I can get my grief resolved by then. If not, I'm sure I'll just move onto another counselor. Her name is Kim, but we need another "faux" name. Dr. Head? Almost Dr. Head?

So Monday, I will go to the cancer center for my followup with Dr. Chemo, Jim and I will get blood drawn, I will bring him home, and then another trip to the cancer center. (I hate that it's 45 minutes each way.)

Yesterday my great neighbor Kurt installed a new firedoor/screen on my wood burning fireplace. It looks great, and he did a great installation, even without reading all of the directions. Today, he's coming back to install another grab bar for Jim. The stairs from the dungeon to the main level only have a railing on one side. Jim wants a grab bar on the other side, which will help him up 3 of the 6 steps.

Jim has been wandering again. And not because he's confused. The last 2 days when I've been out of the house, he has come up the second set of steps into my bedroom/office area. He said he's just been checking on the cats. I feel a little violated. The entire space is a mess, but it's my mess. He is a guest in my house; although it looks like he may live here for the long term. I feel like taping the area off with that yellow police tape.

I told Jim that if he's feeling that well and is that mobile, maybe he should think about moving back to his own place, once he shows me that he can manage his diet. Maybe I will start teaching him how to use the broiler/convection oven to cook chicken breasts, pork tenderloins, and fish for dinner. He's already excellent with breakfast, and does a good job on sandwiches for lunch. I told him if he moved back, I would do his grocery shopping for him. And the Hospice folks could easily change locations to care for him.

Naw! Just a fantasy on my part.

Another thing to talk with the counselor about, I suppose.

No "Apology" from Dr. Half Boob/Next Week's schedule

He had the same "deer in headlight" look that he often has with me. He did pull the drain and told me to return in a week or two to make sure I wasn't retaining fluid. He started talking about sending me to Johns Hopkins for micro surgery for reconstruction, but I told him that wasn't in my cards. At the end, I told him that once I was physically and emotionally healed from this experience, I would likely have the impant removed. He seemed sad about that; like I told him he hadn't done a good job. Well, he hadn't. I got my scrips for prostheses and physical therapy.

I asked about the stats on implants in radiated tisse. He said 10% totally successful; 50 % are somewhat successful but there are cosmetic and "other" problems; and 40% fail, as mine did. I reminded him that I had known about the potentially unpleasant cosmetic problem because we had discussed it after the radiation oncologist warned me about it; but I did say that no one every told me about that total failure was a possibility. The deer look again. I told him that it had been a very tough 11 month with the expander just to get to failure.

I chatted with Kris and Jane (FDMB) later. She said it's all a liability issue. They can't accept responsibility or even apologize for a failed outcome, because they might get sued. She said they probably even have classes in med school about that. Kris is pretty smart.

Jim's Hospice nurse yesterday agreed that I need psychotherapy. She said I have a complex grieving process to go through.

So I'll call my GP and PT Bruiser today for recommendations.

Next week is pretty busy:

Monday: Routine follow-up with Dr. Chemo. Maybe he can find a way to give me my fingers and toes back. I also have started having muscle cramping at night in the arches of my feet and my calves. I don't know whether that might be "a sign" of something wrong. I am on Vitaimin E 400IU twice a day, but I was off of it for about 10 days around my surgery because it is a blood thinner. Also a blood draw for Jim and me for our GI appts on Wednesday.

Tuesday: Lily and Max to the vet. Jim may go to the senior center, depending on the ice in the driveway.

Wednesday: GI DR. Follow-up on my enlarged liver and bad GCT blood test results last fall. Jim sees the same guy for a routine follow-up. I think the GI guy will be very impressed with Jim's progress.

Thursday: Hospice nurse. Might even have lunch with Kris and her daughter today or tomorrow.

Friday: Jim to senior center.

I finally finished a book that Alice sent me for Christman. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. A little sophomoric, not as good as some of his other work, like The Notebook. Basic premise is that an army enlisted man (John) serving overseas meets and falls for the love of his life (Savannah, a college Junior) during a 2 week leave back home to NC. She helps him develop a relationship with his father, who raised John. John and Savannah hold their relationship somewhat together for a few years, even though jerk John "re-ups" in patriotic ferver after 9/11. At the beginning of the assault into Iraq from Kuwait, he gets a "Dear John" letter from Savannah; she has fallen in love with someone else. This throws him into major warrior mode, and he re-ups even again.

Kind of mushy ending because several years later when he is home on emergency leave to bury his Dad, he reconnects with Savannah and meets her husband. Her husband is dying of melanoma. I won't give you the ending in case you want to read it. It is an interesting book.

Thank you Alice!!

I see DR Half Boob Tomorrow

Hopefully. It's mid day so I should be able to get out with the roads by that time. We've been really concerned about losing power. We've had some "flashes" of it. Jim is sitting down on the couch with a flashlight in his hand. The trees are full of ice and the wind is gusting at about 30mph, so we are getting alot of "crashes" into the house from the neighbors' trees.

Jim will have a new personal aide from Hospice starting tomorrow. Erica. This one supposedly cooks. He has to have a new aide because Kira sprained her wrist and is out on disabilty until April.

Then right after her comes the Hospice nurse. There's really nothing for the nurse to do right now because Jim is doing so well, and we haven't yet received the results of last week's blood tests. The only issues that Jim is having right now is the ascites (liquid filled belly), which the nurse can do nothing about, and skin tears. Otherwise, he seems happy as a bug in a rug. He has already set up a fire for tomorrow (or tonight if we lose power).

I got sick today. Had a warmed up pizza slice for lunch and tossed the whole thing. I have no appetite; I'm not eating; and I feel like shit. Still had to go out to scrape and salt the driveway, with little improvement to the concrete ice. But at least I got much of my car out from the ice shell it was in.

I am starting to think I need counseling. I am getting so overwhelmed with all of this. I started cleaning up my Office Inbox today (over 600 messages to read, resolve, delete, or file) and have only about 200 left.

I just want to rip out what little fuzzy hair I have. I am so concerned about Max being sick and not eating and me not getting him to the vet.

I think I need a counselor to go back over the last 14 months with me and help me to resolve my anger, disappointment, and failures to ask the right questions of medical professionals. I probably also need to work on my feelings that Jim, at any moment, could lose the ground he's made up and have to have 24/7 care again. Tonight I asked him whether we should return the wheelchair that Hospice provided for him. It's never been used; the original tags are still on it. Jim said no; that he may need it. Well, that was a bright star in my day.

I need to call my GP and PT Bruiser to get a recommendation for a counselor. They understand and seem to care about the pressure I'm feeling. Unfortunately, many counselors don't take my insurance (retired military) because they pay very little. When I had counseling before I moved here and before I married Jim (and got his insurance), I had to pay top price out-of-pocket (I think it was something like $90/hr) for her services.

My previous counselor Sally does do phone counseling. Maybe I should go back to her--via speaker phone. It took over a year, but she helped me resolve my anger toward my primary family, and helped me reconcile with Jim.

Well, for all of you who always think I am so upbeat, I'm not right now. I am in chronic pain, can't eat and feel like shit, and can't see my way out of my depression.

Happy Valentine's Day

This morning, a day early, Jim gave me a V day card and a box of chocolates. Apparently when Jim was out a couple weeks ago with a friend, he picked them up. I have no idea where he's been hiding them. I think it's the first time I have cried at getting a Valentine's card.

We spent the morning cleaning up the fruits and vegies and wrapping up meat for the freezer from yesterday's late grocery run. I had to cancel the vet appt for Max and Lily because I wasn't going to haul precious cargo in the snow. We ordered in a pizza (for me) and a broiled chicken grinder (for him), lit a fire, and watched a James Belushi movie named "Mr. Destiny." Never heard of it before, but it was really funny. It was one of the DVDs donated to us by folks on the FDMB.

I'm going to have to go out soon and scrape the driveway. Snow's not deep enough for the contractor who does our roads and driveways to come into the development. In Delaware, the state "kind of" takes care of the roads, and then only the major ones. We have a community assn where everyone chips in a few bucks each year for snow plowing and street lighting.

If it were going to be warm the next couple of days, I wouldn't bother, but that's not the case. I have "concrete snow" on the driveway.

I'm a little less depressed today. I even started cleaning up my email inbox. I now have only 289 unread messages in there!!! (Probably the same number of read but unsorted messages.)

I noticed today that I have feeling in the skin on my right breast side. It's somewhat numb (like my fingers and toes), but I can definitely feel. Can't feel a thing on the left side, where the implant is. The skin there is totally "nerveless." Isn't that odd?

Happy Valentine's all.

(And still saying a special prayer hoping to hear how Alice's follow-up breast ultrasound went today.)

A long day, yesterday now

Jim and I went to see the breast surgeon. No list of questions. Just wanted to know why what happened happened.

Four interesting things came from it.

She said she never got a message that I wanted her to call me.

She confirmed that implants in irradiated tissue often fail. When I started down the "why didn't you tell me" road, Jim stopped me and reminded me that we weren't looking to blame anyone.

She said that she wouldn't have wanted me to go down the "FLAP" reconstruction road (where they use my own tissue for reconstruction), because that can hide local recurrence of the cancer (whereas a silicone implant would not).

She understands disappointment. Her hair stylist recently told her that anymore attempts to lighten her hair to blonde would result in irreparable harm.

I'm sitting there with one fake boob and a drain on the other side and she's disappointed she can't be blonde? There must be some relationship there, but it was lost on me.

She suggested a prosthesis, with a frilly lacy really "cute" mastectomy bra.

She also agreed with what Dr. Half Boob had told me on the phone--6 months to a year of healing before trying any further reconstruction.


Hummmmmmm.

I asked on the FDMB for feedback on reconstruction. I got alot of wonderful support, and I am satisfied with my decision to do nothing for now. I am, and will be for some time, a single breasted person until I finally feel up to having the surgery to have the implant on the "good" side removed. Then I will go flat. That was, interestingly, my initial reaction to this whole thing. It's just a shame I had to go through all the pain I did to end up in this place.

I was supposed to see Dr. Half Boob after seeing the breast surgeon, but I cancelled. I had all the answers I needed for my decision, and I was tired. I will see him later this week when, hopefully, the drain is ready to be removed. I must say, once the surgical dressing was removed, I saw he did do a nice job on the left side. Nipple and all. (When I cancelled, the receptionist recommeded a store for a prosthesis.)

Later in the day I spoke with PT Bruiser. It seems she also knew that implant reconstruction on the radiated side was doomed to failure. Why didn't these people tell me this, I keep wondering? She is a very sympathetic person, and she suggested a different store for a prosthesis.

This is all so strange. I never had boobs until my 40's, and I thought I made it clear to everyone on the cancer team that replacing them wasn't really important to me. But when they made it sound it would be a walk in the park, I went along with it. Silly me.

Before I go onto other things, I want to thank everyone on the FDMB who are supporting me, including those who do not post publicly, but who send me private messages. I couldn't go through this without them. I also want to BIG TIME thank my brother Dave for coming to help care for Jim and me around my surgery. I think we may have re-established our relationship with each other. Thank you Dave. And thank you Kathy for supporting him in helping us.

Jim is doing wonderfully. He kept me straight during the DR appt. He is pretty much my brain right now. When we got home, he made himself lunch and talked on the phone with the bank and mutual fund company trying to confirm his moneys (that I have been trying to manage), and talked with a realtor about selling his condo and buying a ranch. Because we have weather coming in, he helped me with a brief shopping list and sent me off to the grocery to fight with the other snow winps over milk and bread. Because I am so depressed and not eating, he made his own supper, and reminded me to take my pills (which I haven't done for a couple of days). Boy, I sound pathetic, don't I?

I am pathetic. I just want to sleep for days, but the cats keep waking me for food. Max and Lily go to the vet this morning (weather permitting). Ennis is doing well on his new insulin.

That's about it for now. Thanks for listening (reading).

Our love to you all.

~V

"You Should Feel Lucky to be Alive"

A comment yesterday afternoon from a local friend who reads this Blog, and apparently disagrees with my anger and disappointment over the reconstruction. "What does that mean?" I asked. She turned away, saying something like "WELL, if you don't GET IT."

I am not currently Stage IV; I do not have metastatic disease at the moment, that I am aware.

I am Stage IIIA and believe that, given I chose reconstruction and my surgeon is being paid for it, I am entitled to one that works.

I Still am Angry

And can't get beyond it. I feel violated.

Yesterday's Happenings

I am not having pain from the surgery. Discomfort, maybe. But I am taking Percocet to numb the anger and disappointment I am feeling. I was given a plan of care, I followed it to the letter (except for the physical theraphy) even though there were so many things going on, and I end up with one boob and am completely in the dark about where I go next.

I called the breast surgeon (Dr. Cutter). She hasn't called back. I called the radiation oncologist (Dr. Nuke), and he more wanted to talk a defense against blame rather than what I wanted, a plan and prognosis for reconstruction on the radiated side. I see Dr. Boob (or maybe now Dr. Half-Boob) on Monday and Jim wants to come along. He wants answers too.

I don't know why Dr. Cutter set me up with Dr. Boob. He's a kind enough man, has gone to great lengths to treat me, but sometimes seems like a C+ med school student, if you know what I mean.

I now have to do alot of research on tissue reconstruction and the nearby DRs that do it well. I also have to think about just going flat chested.

Today was a chore day for Brother Dave and me. My kitchen faucet wasn't putting out cold water, and it was slowly shutting itself off. We figured a new faucet was in order, because this was a contractor's model for which we would not be able to get replacement parts. I chose this behemoth faucet where the sprayer pulls out of the end. Dave put it in in about 1.5 hours. It stands really tall so that you can get buckets and tall pans under it. I'll get used to it. After he got it in, I still didn't have cold water, so off to the crawl space to look for ice blockage. A little rearrangement of insulation and leaving the crawlspace door open for awhile, and we got cold water back in the kitchen.

We also ordered a new door and screen for the fire place. We first went to a fireplace shop and I fell in love with one $1400 model (8 weeks to deliver). Prairie styling and bi fold doors with a cabinet (not draw) screen and I could choose the finish (something like 30 choices). I thought bi folds would be good because they would not get in the way of the fire tools that sit on the hearth.

We then went over to Lowes and found what seems to be a perfectly acceptable door in prairie styling. Not bi fold doors, but the cabinet screens, $340, and only in black. 2 weeks for delivery. Dave said he would return to install it, but I think I might can find someone here.

We went to Dick's Sporting Goods. Dave got himself some clothes, and bought a really nice insulated flannel shirt with snaps, not buttons, for Jim. Jim really likes it. I bought Jim some fancy skiing long johns and a exercise stair step platform. He doesn't want either of my gifts.

Off to Target. My brother Les and sister in law Donna had given me a digital camera for my birthday, but I needed accessories. I got a memory chip and rechargeable batteries using a gift card I got from Annie for Christmas. Thank you Annie. I forgot to get a camera case. Oh, well, I can do that later.

A little shopping at Trader Joe's, a little shopping at the pharmacy, and 3.5 hours later we got home. It was a nice outing for me, and I didn't worry about Jim a bit. He said he got lunch--ice cream and peanuts!!

We all had something different for dinner. It was a real 3 Stooges scene. Jim fried himself a hamburger, Dave broiled a trout filet, and I broiled a New Zealand filet mingnon. (Best filet I even had; got it at Trader Joe's; I highly recommend it.)

Today is Jim's "chore day" with Dave. He has to have a blood draw; get an ID card made so that he has access to SCAT (Senior Citizen Affordable Transportation), a half-priced taxi service; go to Jim's condo to pick up some things. For me, I want them to get pipe insulation to minimize the possibility of another ice block and take a few packages to the post office. I plan to nap in while they do their chores.

Dave has been really great, although he has serious pain with some oral surgery he had shortly before he came here. He just got up (6 am) because of the pain. He will be leaving tomorrow (Friday), after morning rush hour. Thank you Dave; you have been a real help here!!

Reconstructive Surgery

I had my reconstructive surgery yesterday.

My plastic surgeon called last evening.

The left breast went fine. It now has a "permanent" implant and a nipple.

The right breast has serious problems. This is where I was having pain. He started on the right, took out the expander, and found that the capsule (the tissue development around the expander) was holding fluid, which appeared to be somehat infected. He could see his finger through the skin, which means that I had been very close to having the expander "blow through" the skin. He put the silicone implant into the right, closed me up and then went onto the left breast.

After he closed me up on the left, he thought again about the right and went back in to remove the implant. He felt I would infect or "blow through" the skin. As a result of radiation, the skin there is paper thin. I asked whether I should have had less rads, and he said no; he said riding the body of the cancer was much more important than cosmectis.

He said I would need 6 to 12 months to completely heal from the radiation (if I would heal completely at all). After that, I could reconsider reconstruction on the right, but it would not be a silicone implant. I would have to have muscle and skin relocated from my belly, my back, or my butt (the butt thing would be at Johns Hopkins or in New Oeleans).

I am so disappointed, but not surprised, with the news on the right. If I had known he couldn't do both with silicone, I might have decided against reconstruction at all and just gone without these damned explander implants all this time. I truly would not have mided being a flat chested, bald, middle-aged woman. I am so disappionted that this is not over. And until I see both sides with the dressings off, I won't be even able to start deciding what I want to do, except cry with the disappointment. ( I am a small boned, 120 lb, 5'5" woman that has little muscle/skin to spare from other parts of my body.)

So Many Changes

There have been a number of changes this week, and I'm sorry I haven't updated.

Jim and I checked out two nearby senior centers, and chose the one closest to us, which will provide him bus pick-up and drop-off two days a week for $1 each day. The annual membership fee is $20, but because it's mid-year (they are on a June 30 fiscal year), they will only charge him $10. They are letting him do a couple days free to see how he likes it.

He went for a half day today (because of his light bulb treatment). He found himself a recliner in the "library" and read his book until lunch time (he took his own lunch), then went back to the library, took a chair nap, and then read some more. He also walked the hallway for exercise--WITHOUT his cane!! I've given him grief for that.

He said he thought going to the Center is do-able. However, he says he won't go back until maybe next week Friday because:

• Monday he has light bulb treatment and his GP.
• Tuesday I will be having surgery (I'll get to this next).
• Wednesday and Thursday he wants to stay home and worry about me.

OK, the surgery thing. This is to replace my expander implants with the kinder, gentler silicone implants and give me nipples.

Surgery was supposed to be Friday, February 9. I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday (Thursday) and complained greatly about the pain on my right side, a combination of the radiation burn/scarring and the damned square and pokey expander implant. (With tears running down my face I'm telling him about my pain.) I thought he would want to delay surgery until I felt better.

NO. He wanted to advance it. Said let's get the expanders out, you will feel better immediately. He tried to find a slot for me in today's surgery schedule, but the best he could do was next Tuesday.

All sorts of scrambling to reschedule things. Thankfully, my brother Dave who was coming up on Thursday to care for Jim and me over the weekend already had the rest of the week off, so he can come and go sooner. He'll drive up Monday after he finishes some dental surgery he is having done. (Eek! I hope he lets the anesthesia wear off.)

Liza was going to take me to and bring me home from the hospital (this is out-patient). She was going to stay in the waiting room the whole time in case there was a problem. She took a half day off work to do this (she drives a school bus). Well, she can't just up and change her schedule like this, so I will get to the hospital either by cab, my own car (and leave it there), or Dave and Jim will take me. Then my neighbor Nancy will pick me up when I'm released. Liza will come over after work to make sure everything is going OK here. (Bless her heart.)

So this weekend will be a whirlwind of preparing for company, stocking in food, and cooking in advance. Who needs the Superbowl with this kind of excitement!!

I'm trying to plan a visit to Longwood Gardens in April or May for nearby people on the FDMB. We should have a grand time. Any non-FDMB people--Annie, Pam--please let me know if you want to be part of this outing. Annie, we've talked forever about going to the Gardens together. (OK, maybe now I'm thinking maybe we have gone together. CHEMO BRAIN.) There may be an FDMB member coming over from Harrisburg, so you two could ride share. Overnight accommodations will be available, with Jim's condo sitting empty.

Sad news today about the mid-FL tornado(s). Turns out they ran through the area where Betty, the one who came to help me when Jim was in ICU, lives. I was able to get in touch with her husband Don by email, and he called, and they weren't even aware of it during the night. However, a large amount of damage has been done close to them. Thank goodness for the Christian/Jewish/Good Samaratin Gods that watch over those two. They have such a special place in our hearts!! Betty is my Angel and Don is Jim's best friend from childhood.

I may not update again until a day or 2 after surgery. I will make arrangement for Julie to post my post-surgical status on the FDMB, and for Steve to repost here, or link to it. (OK Julie? OK Steve?)