Summer Solstice

Summer solstice used to be one of my least favorite days. It meant that all planting of spring/summer plants was over because they would not have time to bloom/bear fruit before the days became too short to provide adequate sunlight. Also, the days would start getting shorter, giving me less time in the gardens, and the shadow of the house would start moving back over the vegetable garden.

I didn't feel like that today. I am starting to feel like I am just waking up from winter. I am trying so hard to get out of this depression and I keep hoping I get there before all of summer is gone. I only have July and August left, though, and that may not be enough time. That kind of kicks me back into hating summer solstice.

I have had two PT appts this week and have another tomorrow. Only 2 more weeks before I "graduate," unless these laser treatments start doing something for my neuropathy. I can work on balance and strength exercises myself.

I saw Dr. Cutter the breast surgeon for my 6 month follow-up today. Nothing remarkable. I go back in a year.

I also saw my psychotherapist. We get along pretty well. Neither of us want to waste any time getting me "recovered." She does cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the style I'm used to. We started in on my anger at my cancer team, particularly Dr. Half-Boob, for the shape they left me in. After hearing the details of the story, she didn't think my white-hot anger was at all irrational, till I got to the part of where I am angry at myself for not asking the right questions. She even suggested that I consider a malpractice suit, but I am not a litigious person.

My homework assignment is to type out a conversation between myself and my anger. She said I might be surprised at what I learn about my anger. She said I could share it with her if I wanted to, which I think I will. I have started it.

I lost my calendar today, and did not freak out too much. I put a message into the place I hoped I might have left it, and proceeded to call our health care professionals to get appointment dates to rebuild the calendar. Finally I tried the place again, and they had it!! I got all of next week's appointments from the woman, and asked her to drop it into the mail to me.

I plan to curve Ennis this weekend. I have never curved him on Levemir. I doubt it will be a 24-hour curve, but we will see. Maybe a mini-curve for the overnight cycle.

I have taken all of my pills, on time, for four days now. I want to thank Jess for that. She got me a pill holder that has slots for 7 days of pills with slots for 4 pill "times" each day. Pretty nifty, but even more nifty is the timer that cames with it. I can set it to sound an alarm 6 times during the day. I shoot Ennis on the 8s, and now I take the bulk of my meds on the 8s, so two alarm times are serving double duty.

Have a nice weekend all.

Just Another Trash Day

Wednesdays are trash day.

The best news I have is that the chronic diarrhea seems to be over. I took myself off the Levbid that the GP had prescribed and that wasn't doing anything but giving me dry mouth. I tried Metamusil, as suggested by Jim. Even though it is labeled as a laxative, Jim said it works both ways in his experience. I drank a glass everyday I had diarrhea, and within 4 days the constant diarrhea had stopped. Now another week later, I have solid stool. Who would have thought? I have been fighting this problem since last fall.

I have finished and submitted the questionnaire for the SSDI lawyer. It was a downer for me trying to remember all the bad things that have happened and all the negative symptoms and conditions I have been through. And then to paint them in the worse possible light so that my claim would come off positive. I am working so hard now to get better, that kind of felt like a setback. But I need this SSDI. My savings (except retirement) are fast disappearing.

I don't think I've mentioned it but I re-found an old friend, Elaina. She was my department director and direct supervisor when I did collection acquisitions for a public library after I graduated college with an at-the-time worthless journalism degree. She was always so very encouraging and supportive of me, and we really connected on a personal level. She hosted the wedding shower for my first marriage.

I don't know why or how we lost touch, and we both guessed it had been maybe eight years, but we stepped right back into it like it was yesterday. And true to her form, Elaina now has five Newfoundlands. I find that amazing. She asked me to visit (many states away). Perhaps I should, and take Ennis along to see what he thinks of 5 Mastiffs.

But, anyway, Elaina and I have spoken maybe 4 times since reconnecting. We have many feelings in common about our lives right now. Thank you Lanie for the chats and the caring.

Jim and I have started taking short walks in the neighborhood, just once around the circle in the morning before it gets to hot. He walks slow as a snail. I mentioned that to my GYN yesterday, and he said not to think of the walks as an exercise, so much as some shared time with my husband and a chance to observe nature around me. My GYN is such a sweetie. I will do that today, if we walk, and I am sure I will enjoy the walk so much more.

I see my PT twice this week and the breast surgeon tomorrow. I am starting to think about having this mess on my chest cleaned up. All the scars on the right trouble me because, without daily stretching exercises, the scars really righten up and restrict range of motion. I would like to find a reconstructive surgeon who could cut all the scars away and use the excess skin from the left side (after removing the implant) as graft for the right side.

I would have to stop smoking again (yes, for you who didn't know, I started up again when Jim was so sick) so that my vascular system is at top performance for skin grafting surgery. But I do need to stop smoking again. I did make it 7 months.

The psychiatrist put me on a nighttime antidepressant/sedative (Trazodone) to help my sleeping. I was dizzy the first dose, but OK since then, and I have been sleeping better. Sleeping better = feeling better = eating better = getting better.

There was something else I wanted to say, but I have forgotten it. I'm sure as soon as I publish, it will come to me.

We're Still Here!!

I've been busy trying to fill out this damned form for the SSDI lawyer. Why doesn't she just ask the same questions in the same way Social Security did?

Jim finally got his DRs to put him on a small dosage of prednisone for his osteo arthritis. Other than achey knees, he has no other medical complaints. He can't take non-steroidal anti-inflamatory drugs (NSAIDs) because of his liver condition. He's thinking about asking his GI DR for a CT scan of his liver so he can know whether there has been any regeneration. We feel like there has been, given his vastly improved (some might say seemingly normal) condition, even though lots of folks told us his liver was too far gone to regenerate.

I had neuropathy PT 3x this week, and I am doing somewhat better with my balance. "Deadness" in feet and fingers seems about the same. I also met with the psychiatrist, who wants to change my antidepressants--again--but I told him he has to talk with Dr. Chemo for an OK.

I met with the psychotherapist for the first time. She's maybe my age, maybe a little younger, and we are both straight shooters so we got along pretty well. I spilled my guts. Having been through therapy I know how to do that and how important it is to cooperate with the therapist and not fight her. She was fascinated with my story; she seemed amazed I was still alive and sane. She asked me my goals of counseling. I hadn't thought about that before, so I shot from the hip. Probably my "first thoughts" are the best.

1. To resolve my intense anger with the plastic surgeon who brutally maimed me. On reflection, the breast surgeon and radiation oncologist are part of that as well.

2. To resolve my feelings about living with Jim. I don't want anything to up-end our marriage because I love him dearly and need him greatly.

3. To resolve my guilt about having lost my career. Guilt might not be the best word for what I am feeling, but there are certainly strong feelings there. I have always been proud of my career and how I excelled with it. I achieved not only financial stability but also significant recognition of my abilities. That's all gone right now, and I want to get it back.

We want to wish a happy 51st birthday to Robin. I love you Robin, and how much you help me.

Jim's Little Adventure

Jim had his first colonoscopy/upper endoscopy yesterday morning. He dislikes DRs and procedures, so he was nervous, but he is better with them (after 3 months of hospitalization) than he used to be.

Only one polyp that will be sent for histology. A small internal hemorrhoid and an area of abnormal mucosa. The DR told Jim that it was a pretty "clean" colonoscopy. Also no varices on the upper end, which is good news because they are common in people with liver disease.

I continue to be amazed at my miracle man!!

Now if we could do something with the osteoarthritis in his knees.

Because Jim had eaten little in the 2 days leading up to the procedure, he was pleased when I made him lunch and dinner (chicken piccata, yum). I even ate some chicken.

I'm home!!

My trip to see my brother was pretty uneventful. Flights on time, no problems with my meds. I was put to work on the reconstruction, but they didn't task me too hard!!

Jim did great on his own and was very successful in caring for the cats and giving Ennis his insulin shots. Of course, Ennis woke Jim up 2x/night for food. Jim went along with it. Ennis spent alot of time with Jim on the couch, but now he's relocated to my desk. Jim didn't tolerate Lily banging on the crack room door, and he got her so that he would put her in there in the morning and let her out in the afternoon without a peep from her. Of course now that I'm home, she's back to banging.

It reminds me of the Helen Keller story where Ann Sullivan finally learned to control Helen, but then Helen went back to her wild ways when reunited with her parents.

I have nothing planned this week. Jim has a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy on Thursday, and starts to adjust his diet today to eliminate fiber/roughage. Tomorrow clear liquids and the stuff he needs to drink to clean him out. This will be so pleasant!!

Nothing happening in the breast cancer arena until June 21--a meeting with the breast surgeon.

Take care all!

I've Been MIA and That will Continue

The rest of the week's appointment went pretty much without incident, whatever they were. I have no short-term memory and I can't find my calendar right now.

I have decided I need some time away so I cleared a few minor things in my calendar and on Thursday May 31 am heading down to see my brother for a few days. He's completely rebuilding his living/dining/kitchen area, and a little physical labor will do me good. I don't have an actual return date yet, but I am hoping for Monday. And his wife Donna will certainly feed me well. It's always good to be in the arms of family that you love.

Jim's going to have to survive on his own, although we did some pre-cooking yesterday. He's chronologically challenged when it comes to computers, so he won't be able to give updates.

My larger concern is Ennis, who needs insulin twice a day. But I am trying to get him reasonably regulated in a highish range on once a day dosing so Jim can just use prefilled syringes. Better too high than too low. And I see no way to teach Jim to test Ennis's blood glucose level and the make decisions about dosing.

I sure hope the airlines won't give me grief about all the meds I have to pack along.

A better day than most, almost

Jim and I both had a GI DR appt this morning. Jim drove, which was great, because it relieved alot of physical and concentration problems for me.

The GI DR thought Jim was doing great. He took Jim off the lactulose, the ammonia binding laxative that was helping to keep his mind clear. Jim's major complaint was the osteoarthritic pain in his knees. The DR agreed to let Jim's GP prescribe Celebrex, a nonsteroidal anti-inflamatory drug (NSAID). GI DR said 2 to 3 weeks on that, and if that didn't relieve the pain, then a move to a steroid drug, probably low dose prednisone.

GI DR agreed that topical ointments, and Jim has tried 5, do not work, and neither does glucosamine.

GI DR also scheduled Jim for a colonooscopy and upper endoscopy in a couple of weeks. Said he is healthy enough for it, and he wants the UE to check for bleeding in the stomach. After that, Jim goes back in 6 months. We continue to forget to ask for Jims Hep A and B vaccines, and even though I make the appts to include them, that never seems to be on the DR's to do list.

My turn. The GI DR said my last liver CT scan showed another spot and some fatty deposits. He asked why I was continuing to come to him if I would not eliminate my alcohol consumption. I didn't know what to say. It was like he was firing me. He did set me up for a liver MRI in 3 months, but I likely won't go if I haven't gotten my self-destructive behavior under control. I don't want to waste his time, which is what he basically was saying. I know that fatty liver also comes from not eating, which he failed to validate.

He also said he would not give me a colonoscopy or upper endoscopy, which my GP had wanted to check out my chronic diarrhea. He said he would not perform the procedures on someone actively drinking, and that in his opinion, the diarrhea is solely caused by alcohol. Hello? Stress, depression, not eating? I am starting to not like this DR, and even though he was the one who held onto hope for Jim when he was so sick, I'm not sure I want to go back for myself. He suggested maybe I could work with my upcoming psychiatrist and psychoanalyst on my alcohol abuse. (Hello? There's also anorexia and depression; I have a whole list for those folks.) But I can't blame him for feeling frustrated that I am not taking care of myself. There are lots of people frustrated with me.

Including my new PT. She is such a bubbly personality, and I have never seen a therapy clinic with as much personality as this. I think they need a shop cat. Lisa also was suggesting today that she was ready to fire me. She said that if I won't eat, she can't help me with strength training, which she thinks is vital to my balance and hand movements. She said I should get yogurt, cottage cheese, protein drinks and bring them to put in her fridge so that I could have them before or during PT sessions.

After PT, I went to the grocery and got not only what Jim had put on his list, but also some "snacks" for me. I am sure she will be so proud of me. I don't care being fired by a DR, but I don't want Lisa to fire me. She is sincerely trying very hard to help.

Oh, and asshole Dr. Chemo's office. I called today for a refill for magic mouthwash because I have mouth ulcers and everything tastes like cardboard--again. While I was gone, Kernie the gatekeeper, called back and told Jim I had to call back because my message from LAST WEEK was not clear. I hate that woman. She is the one who would not let me talk to Dr. Chemo about needing to see a neurologist to support my SSDI claim.

I am looking forward to the psychiatrist tomorrow. I hope. And to later meeting with his psychotherpist. I need help. And I keep trying. But sometimes it seems like I get shut down more than I get helped.

I do hate to complain about my med professionals, and I do hate to be in the place I am, but that's where I am. I hope for a breakthrough soon. This is NOT who I am.

Raised toilet seat

Forgot to tell you I got one for my bathroom last week.

What a joy at night with the stumbling. Now I need to get a grab bar inside my shower. Need to put another call into handy neighbor Curt.

Another fun filled week

Haven't showered or been out of the house for 3 days.

But the fun starts this morning.

Tuesday: intake with neurologist, PT, grocery shopping. Jim stays home to let the cable guy in.
Wednesday: GI guy for both Jim and me, PT
Thurday: car appt (oil change and ABS isn't working), intake with psychiatrist
Friday: PT

I have been jamming so many appts in. Set up one for my initial bone density test, set up 2 in a few weeks for a new psychotherapist/eating disorder specialist. Have to call my opthamologist for my 2-year check up (and I need it).

I am exhausted!!

Here's that misssing post. I wrote it May 16, 2007. It was in my draft box, so it may be a little sloppy.

This has been and will continue to be the week from Hell. Next week promises to be the same all over again.

Yesterday, I took Ennis to the vet for his little poisoning event last Friday. Blood was "clean," so no permanent damage done. Follow-up in 3 months. That little poisoning event costs me $200 I didn't really have to spend.

Today, the new PT for the 3rd time. Did the anodyne (laser light treatment) on both feet and hands, hand massage, finger exercises, used a vibrator on fingers and feet, stand-in-place balance exercises, and 6 minutes on the bicycle. And while I was waiting for her I did some of my arm range of motion exercises.

Know how you legs get wobbly after a long slow run. Well, I ceratinly didn't need more wobbly.

Then off to the thoracic surgeon, but not right away. There was a 2-hour break between appts. Heading over to a shopping center, picked up some cat food, checked out the food choices (got a bowl of soup and bread), and then visited a kitchen store. Bought some of those forms you can use to make perfectly round eggs.

Still got to the cancer center an hour before my appt. Got my CT scan in the X-Ray dept, but couldn't fill out the paperwork. They filled it out for me and I only had to sign it. More paperwork for the surgeon. I hadn't brought an updated list of meds. My brain and fingers did not want to coorperate, so I only put in the minimum.

Surgeon said the CT scan looked good. Only a very small shadow where the "unknown item" had been last summer. But he agreed to sign me up for another CT scan in 6 months. I think it might just be this DR. He is so very easy on the eyes, and has such a positive attitude.

Tomorrow, another long haul to a prosthetic store. Friday, only PT again.

Next week, GI DR for Jim and me, intake with a neurologist, and PT 3x.

I thought I did an update

but I guess not.

It's been a kind of, sort of, busy week. Through Wednesday it was appt after appt.

Saw the thoracic surgeon. The scar on my lung is hardly noticeable on CT scan now. Wow, that DR is easy on the eyes, isn't he Betty?? (Betty knows Dr. Panasuk.) A follow-up in 6 months.

The new PT is working out pretty well. I no longer have the trembling in my hands. Freaked me out one morning when I pointed the mouse and I actually could do it.

Still dead fingertips and feet, but they seem less dead than before. Still stumbling around and dropping things. I do so want to get my feeling back.

I did not go for my PT appt on Friday. Just too out of it to go an hour each way.

Jim's condo has another open house today. And for the first time, the open house announcement is in the newspaper, YESHH. Finally the realtor is doing something.

What else? Still not eating. Wednesday I weighed in at 109.5. Down 1.5 lbs from last week. This really sucks; I was 135 on Thanksgiving. Julie sent me info on a local DR who is an eating disorder specialist. I believe I am anorexic, as I have been twice before (without treatment), but this time I want someone to guide me out. I want french toast!!

Next week: PT 3 times, appts with the new neurologist and the GI Guy. Another freakin busy week. Too much driving.

I will put in labels for this later.

Today's Appointments

Psychotherapist. I don't feel that she is very helpful to me at this stage. And the eye rolling and head nodding really drive me nuts. I was really hoping the psychiatric center would work for me, but as you'll read later, it won't.

Physical therapy. Ouch ouch, and really antsy sitting there in a chair with my feet on an ottoman and wrapped with the laser light treatment pads on my feet for what they said was going to be 20 minutes but felt like 45. The toes on my right foot started cramping. Some hand and foot massage. Then balance exercises. (The PT did not do the laser light treatments on my hands because she said she wanted to call the manufacturer about lymphedema risk.)

I desperately need balance. I fell again last night, stooping to get ssomething from the bottom shelf of the pantry. Down on my butt. Had to call Jim for help getting up, and he put me, and Ennis, straight to bed. UGH, I was in the middle of fixing dinner, and Jim had to go without.

The Rockford Center. They only do inpatient and day treatments. The intake counselor (Bob, no last name on the name tag) suggested day treatments, but it's 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, for up to 6 weeks. There is no way I can do that! Bob couldn't "recommend" a private psychiatrist for me, but he did give me a list of those in the area. He also said I would continue to need to use a psychotherapist for talk counseling. Bob said psychiatrists around here only do medical management.

I was googling for psychiatrists using search terms Delaware, psychistrist, and cancer, and found one not too far from me who in 2004 testified in a hearing about this state's high cancer rate in from of the state senate. He mother was a cancer victim (don't know what kind of cancer). I will give her office a call tomorrow.

If she can't take me, maybe she can suggest other psychiatrists, and maybe even a "talk" counselor, whether a psychotherapist or a social worker, that specializes with cancer patients.

Have to go. The pizza's here. Too exhausted from the day to cook. It takes alot of concentration to drive that far and have that many appts in one day. I should know better.

BTW, Ennis goes to the vet tomorrow, to check his kidney functions after the overdose. I thoroughly cleaned my office today, and could not find any of the missing capsules. So it looks like he scarfed 600mg of Neurontin and a Prevacid. Asshole!!

Not Looking Forward to Today

Psychotherapy at 10.

Physical therapy at 12.

Psychiatric intake interview at 2.

And these are an hour or more away from home. I have to start google mapping to find how to get from one to another.

Take care, all.

Wonderful Article on Chemo Brain

This is so me right now. Be sure to check out page 2.

I Poisoned Ennis

Darned PICA cat.

Friday night, I put my meds on my office desk, left to do something else, and when I got back, Ennis had left his desk spot, and my pills were scattered, some still on the desk, some on the floor, some MIA.

I "replaced" the missing ones and took them.

An hour later, watching TV with Jim, Ennis came down the stairs, stumbling like a drunken sailor.

OMG. I took him to the bedroom, got him food (he wolfed down 1.5 cans FF), and a litter box. Then he went into a deep sleep.

About midnight Deb415 called. Bless her heart, despite her grief at losing Gizzy the night before, SHE called the SPCA poison hotline for me. Twice. They suggested an ER vet (Duh?), but we don't drive at night. That would have been 3 of us dead. So they gave us "normal" heart and respiration rates and temp to watch for.

Jim watched Ennis until 4am while I slept. He would stand Ennis up and shake him every 20 minutes. Then I watched Ennis, although not as attentively as Jim had. About 6am, Ennis stirred (yessshhhh!) and wanted off the bed. I put him down. Tried to hold him in the litterbox. Tried to give him food and water. He laid down on the floor to sleep more.

The missing meds were 2 caps of 300 mg Neurontin and one cap of Prevacid. The SPCA vet and the local ER vet were both concerned about the Neurontin. It is a med I take for my neuropathy. Kris was kind enough to research that it takes way more than 600mg of Neurontin to kill a mouse/rat, so I felt better that an 18 lb cat could come out of this OK. However, there is potential for kidney damage.

Ennis will not be allowed back into my office until I thoroughly vacuum the floor, which I plan to do today.

This is now Sunday am. Ennis is still alive even though he hasn't seen a vet. I spoke with his vet yesterday, and the vet said 200ccs SubQ fluids daily until seeing Ennis on Tuesday. Ennis took the fluids very nicely yesterday. He is eating minimally and continues to be a bit wobbly, but is so much better than he was.

During this adventure, I couldn't get enough blood to test his sugar, so I didn't give him insulin. Finally, at +37, he tested 297 so out came the Levemir as well as the R booster.

Thanks so much to everyone who held my hand during this crisis.

Why won't he take his own meds but he will eat mine?

My GP appt

Saw her this AM.

She's on board with my SSDI claim, and agreed that specialists are more effective than family practitioners. She agreed to make the referral to the neurologist, and agreed I should seek treatment through the Rockford Center to a psychiatrist. She also upped the dosage of my anti-depressant, saying that a few days upped dosage before the mental health assessment might give them something more to deal with.

She said Dr. Chemo, who has never called me back, might not get on board because he has lots of patients with breast cancer who do not fall apart, so maybe he doesn't think my situation is legit. (WTF????) But GP said I had situations (like the failed implant and my sick husband) that many breat cancer survivors do not have to deal with.

I cancelled my new PT for today. I just cannot drive myself an hour away and back. Too much.

If looks could kill, Jim would be dead right now. He gave me grief about "not being sincere about the PT." He didn't offer to drive me.

Edited: Give me a break! After Jim left the house, I went to bed for a 4-hour nap. Big time bummed out about Deb losing Giz. And my calves hurt. I think from the balance tests the new PT did on Wednesday.

Deb lost her Gizmo last night

Link to FDMB. So so sorry Deb. Soar Gizmo.

GYN appt

My GYN referred me to a 24-hour assessment and referral service that treats folks for, among other things, acute depression. GYN apparently refers other patients to this place because of post-partum depression. This was the first time he asked to look at my chest, though all these months of surgery, etc. He agreed I would need alot of scar massage on the right side to break up the "grip" the scar has on my chest wall.

I see my GP tomorrow. In an email today, my SSDI lawyer has strongly suggested that I try to get a neurologist to evaluate and maybe treat my neuropathy. So I will press my GP on a referral; Dr. Chemo won't do it. I have an appt with the neurologist, but she won't see me without a referral from another DR.

Lawyer also thinks my GP is kind of useless to the process. The more specialists that sign on, the better.

I told GYN that I hadn't listed him in my group of DRs on the SSDI form, but he did come up in the final remarks session for prescribing mammo and referral to Dr. Cutter. Therefore, he may be called upon to supply records. He said no problem. He would be happy to have his office send the appropriate paperwork.

My GYN is my favorite DR. He is cute and hugs me several times each visit. And always checks for how I am doing "overall." He was very surprised at Jim's recovery from liver failure. I think he and his nurse were expecting me to tell them that Jim had passed. Nope. He's down in the dungeon napping. I wish I could nap, but an occupational therapist is bringing a seat riser for my bathroom toilet this afternoon.

I need to call neighbor Curt again about putting some grab rails in my bathroom. I suspect that the message I left on his machine 2 weeks ago got "lost," what with a wife and 2 teenagers. Curt gave me his cell number because of problems like that.

Today's appointments

Jim had his GP DR this morning. GP said Jim's blood tests were "stellar." We didn't ask for a copy of the tests; we are suppposed to get them directly from the lab but that hardly ever happens.

Jim really wants prednisone for the arthritis in his knees. GP said no; nothing oral and suggested something topical that it looks like I can only get on-line. So a little Hocks shopping tonight. He will re-ask the GI DR when he sees him in 2 weeks.

SSDI application. We didn't have to wait too long after my appointed time. I was so nervous; I went through 1.5 bottles of water. The intake woman said it was the most complete and organized application that she had seen.

It's a little complicated being self-employed (and not keeping real good time sheets after starting the surgeries), getting her to agree to my statement about the last day I did any "substantial work." But she finally did, and hopefully the state determining agency will also. I have to do no substantial work until September this year to qualify for any retroactive benefits. But then, I probably won't know until after that whether I got approved on the 1st application.

Because I had documented pretty well, it only took about an hour. Gave us time for lunch before my intake for neuropathy therapy.

PT found that I have sensation in my arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet, and toes. The test? Touching me with a hard plastic "pricker." We then did some balance testing. She said I was having balance problems. No shit, Sherlock. I had shown her my arm bruise from falling last week.

She also counseling me on the normal things I get nagged about--taking my pills, eating, lowered alcohol consumption. She said all of those things can affect the neuropathy.

So we are going to try the Anodyne treatment for six sessions (3x/week) and give me hand, feet, and balance exercises. Also some leg strengthening exercises. I start that Friday.

Tomorrow is my every 4 month PAP smear. Joy! But the last once was negative for abnormal cells, so if this one is too, I only have one more 4 month PAP before I can go back to annual.

Friday is my GP. She is seeing me every 4-6 weeks now because of my depression. I have quite the list of things to talk about. The SSDI application, where I listed her as the lead doctor in knowing my symptoms and treatments. Wanting a referral to a neurologist, although I am starting to waiver on this because the PT today said a neurologist would not do much more in the way of testing than she did today and would have nothing in her/his medicine bag that I'm not already on. Wanting a referral to a psychiatrist. My psychotherapist is OK, but it would be nice to have an MD doing the counseling because the s/he also could manage my stress/anxiety/anti-depression meds. My GP seems slightly an amateur in that area.

Then Monday, the psychotherapy resident.

I so want all these appointments to stop. I want to go out and garden.

Today Sucked

I got up extra early because I had the appt for a CT scan and the thoracic surgeon. They called about 15 minutes before I left (it's a long drive) to tell me it was off because the DR had been called to emergency surgery. So I had to morning to continue working on other stuff, like my SSDI application. I had shot Ennis early and low at +10 because I thought I was going to be out past +12.

Around noon, I realized that I was just flat-ass worn out. I had a 3pm new PT appt somewhere far away that I had no idea where it was. Sure, yes, I google mapped it. I called them to cancel. The lady said she understood; that often happens with their clients. This place specializes in PT for women with breast and GYN cancers.

Tomorrow. Jim's family DR in the AM, SSDI application right after lunch, and now my intake with the new PT late in the afternoon.

Just thinking about this wears me out.

PS. Blogger has "switched" everyone over to the new version. It presents the opportunity to label posts with topics. This is the first one I am going to try this on. I have no clue what this is going to do or how it is going to work. Bear with me.

Really Tired

Didn't do much today, except Jim and I went out for lunch, but Viv came over to help look at my online SSDI application. She used to do SSDI intake. Thank you Viv. She spent over an hour here, and gave me alot of encouragement and insight.

Just so tired. And so hand shakey in the mornings and difficult to walk in the overnight.

I get a lung CT scan and check by the thoracic surgeon tomorrow morning. I start with the new PT tomorrow afternoon, for work on my neuropathy.

So shoot me! I haven't taken my meds tonight because my 7-day med box is empty. Please let me do it tomorrow before I leave, at least my antidepressant and the Tamoxifin.

OK, so maybe I need to get a couple more 7-day med boxes and set up my pills for 2 weeks at a time.

My Favorite Longwood Pictures

Ennis stylishly dressed for a trip to the falls


Cat "shooting" Jess during group shots

PUFFF! I've been up most the night

I wanted to work on my social security disability application, but that site is shut down for maintenance. Hope they don't lose all the info I have put in.

I was able to see the dematologist on Friday. Got a steroid shot and ointment for the eczema. Please please go away.

My gardens are starting to come in beautifully. I saw a bearded iris blooming this AM. The white azalea in front of my porch. I wish I was up to spending more time out there. I have to put in the plants the Londwood ladies brought me.

Regrowth of chemo hair

Each picture is one week. Not my head. Someone named Karin Stack who also had breast cancer.

Longwood Group Picture

Click photo to enlarge.

Front row, left to right:

Stefani and Toonces; Ann and Smokey; Francine and Garth; dian and wheezer; Kris and Jane; Kristen and Bobcat; Suncat; Jess and Earl.

2nd row, left to right:

Cindy and Patches; Venita and The Boyz Boy; Sandra and Barney; Peaches (Sheryl); Alice and Tabby; Holly and Belle; Cheri and Patriot.

3rd row: left to right.

Julie and Smokey; Kate and Dozer; Robin and Peri; Heather and Chico; WCF and Meowzi; Hope4Bella (Marlene); Lisa and Merlyn; Donna, Shiloh, and McKaela.

4th row: left to right:

Glen (Robin's husband); Marjorie and Tigger; Holly's friend Donna; Bev and Mitsy (and now with Finley)

Ah, Thursday

No CPA, lawyer, or DR appts today! only the air conditioner service company. I may not even shower today!!!

So back to the psychotherapist story. I chatted alot about how great the Longwood weekend was, but did get angry/upset two times. Once at my plastic surgeon. I believe I previously wrote (or maybe I didn't) that I got the operating room reports from Dr. Half-Boob and they revealed that I had a infection in the implant capsule on my right side. Angry that he didn't tell me that, or put me on post-surgical antibiotics. (Oops. Reading back through the blog, it seems the DR did tell me the night of the surgery that the fluid he found appeared "somewhat infected." That still doesn't explain the lack of anti-biotics.)

Second at Jim for being in my space. This was not our agreement, and I don't know how to deal with it. I am not a full-time partner. I don't know how to be a full-time partner. I don't want to sell my house. I love my house.

Yesterday we went to see the SSDI lawyer. She thinks I have a good shot at getting benefits. But, OMG, the paperwork I have to put together. This is going to be a full time job until my appointment with them next Wednesday. And the lawyer wants to be informed of every step I take.

I found a local person who used to do intake applications for SSDI, and she offered to help me with reviewing my application in advance.

I was able to beg the dermatologist's office into an "emergency" visit tomorrow. For the eczema.

I am working on getting a referral to a neurologist for an evaluation for SSDI. Dr. Chemo's office continues to refuse, although they are sending medical records. I left a request on my GP's referral line to make the referral and to send pertinent records. I hope they will do that. I will followup on Monday. (My insurance doesn't require the referral; the neurologist's office does.)

The neurologist plans, I believe, to do an EMG. That should result in a "verifiable" record of my neuropathy. However that won't happen until after 2 and a half weeks of the Anodyne treatments, discussed next.

I have set up appointments for two weeks with the new PT. She has a machine called Anodyne, which is supposed to help alot with the pain of neuropathy (which I don't have) and somewhat with lack of sensation (which I do have).

Let's see, what else. Next week is jam packed. I get a chest CT scan and see the thoracic surgeon for a followup to my "lung cancer scare" last fall. PT 3 times, Jim has his GP. I have SSDI. I have a follow-up PAP (I'm on 4 month callback, but you may recall that my last PAP was "clean; first clean one in almost 3 years). And I see my GP. Wowsa; what a week!!

So back to getting my SSDI info in order.

Take care all!!

Through his nurse, Dr. Chemo basically said...

...screw you. He doesn't want to see me next week for my neuropathy because there is nothing more medically that he can do.

They faxed a scrip to a physical/occupational therapist that is 1.5 hours away from me (one way). They say she might be able to rehab the neuropathy. I spoke to my PT, and the bottom line is that this new PT may have a machine for neuropathy that my current PT does not have.

So I will go down there for an evalation. Apparently Dr. Chemo wrote the scrip for 3x/week for 3 weeks.

The nurse said that all Dr. Chemo could do for me was listen to my heart and lungs. He has no way to measure my disability because of the neuropathy. The nurse said any "documentation" of neuropathy is better from a PT/OT. Well, maybe Dr. Chemo could document that I didn't have my 4th Taxol treatment after I told him about the neuropathy because "to continue would put you in a wheelchair."

OK, I'm pissed at him now too.

A few months back, I went to Jim's dermatologist just to have a general checkup. At that point I had a little eczema on my butt. She gave me a scrip for a 2.5% cortsone cream. Well, now this rash is almost everywhere except my face. I scratch it (because it's itchy), and I bleed. Called today for an appt with her, and she has nothing until May 18. I hope she will prescribe the UVB "tanning booth" that Jim used. I also may ask her for a referral to another good dermatologist that is not as heavily booked as she is.

I saw the psychotherapist again yesterday. But I'm getting tired, so I will write about that later.

Where I've been the last almost week

It was the Longwood Gardens trip. What an absolutely wonderful time was had by all.

A link to one set of pics.

Having 27 wonderful caring women around me (and of course Robin's husband Glen) made me feel alive again. And it makes me think I should get an annual pass and visit monthly just to see the changes in the flower beds. I have seen enough of the fountains. The tulips were gorgeous. I can't do the conservatory for long because I can't walk much and scooters can't get into the building.

I thank everyone who came. As dian said, "I went to Longwood poor and came back the richest person in the world."

The friendships and personal connections made during this past weekend will be .... I don't know what to say!

I got tired, but I also got a huge fix of energy from these people. So many people helped and reminded me to take pills and to eat!!! I love them all.

For all that came, I already have written a personal thank you.

Other Matters

Jim wanted to have a talk this morning. His issue is about my depression and how collapsed I am at the end of a day. He told me that this also upset Alice. Alice, if that is the case, please email or PM me with your comments. Please don't answer here.

We went today to see a tax accountant about me accessing retirement and nonretirement assets for living expenses. Given I have no income, but a mortgage, utilities, and kitties...and food.. He had alot of great ideas about what to go for first, and said he would help in the future anyway he could. This was probono because it's a firm I've consulted with in the past. Again thank you Pam, and thanks to Rob and Al.

Tomorrow I see the SSDI lawyer. She wants a list of my meds and supplements, and my surgery and treatments. That's tonight's chore.

Jess Rescuing Worms

Every creature needs a second chance.

I Just E-mailed a SSDI Lawyer

A local person. I saw her speak about the program a couple years ago, and she seemed very knowledgeable, frank, and friendly.

Social Security Disability Insurance is, I understand, very difficult to qualify for. I never in my life thought I would be asking someone else to help take care of me. But I need the help now.

I so hope there is a time I can come back to working and living my life again. I wish for that magic pill everyday.

I hope this lawyer can help.

It's been really busy

Sorry I haven't written for awhile. It's been really busy trying to plan for the Longwood Gardens trip.

I talked about the house cleaning ladies. They will be back in early Thursday morning to "touch things up."

Tomorrow I have to go grocery, liquor store, and Target shopping. UGH. That will be a 3-4 hour adventure.

Jim continues to do fabulous. For some reason I seem to be getting worse. I think I explained the increase in my foot neuropathy after the gardening adventure. Now my fingers are going more too. I can hardly point the mouse, and my typos are getting way out of hand. That makes it very difficult for a writer. My handwriting is horrendous now. I have made an appt. with my medical onc for a couple weeks from now to see whether there is anything we can do about it.

Last night I fell. About 1AM, heading to the bathroom, but my feet weren't cooperating, and I banged my head into the door frame. That bouced me back against my dresser, bruising my right hip, then that put me on the ground brusing my left hip. I was just sitting there trying to get my bearings when Jim came racing up the steps. This all happened right over his head in the dungeon, and he heard all the commotion. He was indeed very concerned, and said he sat up until 3 listening for me.

I'm OK, just limping a little from the bruises, but it confirms for me that the neuropathy is getting worse and something needs to be done. I'm getting ready to ask the ubernice neighbor Curt to put a grab bar into my shower, because I often stumble as I turn around. I probably also should get a raised seat on the toilet in my bathroom, because I can't always "rise" from the seated position without grabbing onto the window sill.

Surprisingly, yesterday I discovered a scrip for an adbominal CT scan that I was to have today. Somehow, it didn't make it into my calendar. This is that small spot on my liver that the GI DR is monitoring. Chemo veins make it very difficult to get an IV line in (this was a CT scan with contrast, thus requiring IV dye). And my BP before the procedure was 167/68. Kind of high, but I told the technician it was likely because I hadn't taken my morning pills. Nothing NPO for 4 hours before the procedure, except that yucky barium drink.

My depression just seems to be building. I can't figure that out, except perhaps the neuropathy and the pain in my chest, which constantly remind me what I've been through, and that I "flunked cancer."

I did get a call today from the Tax Partner at the CPA firm that I have in the past consulted for. (Thank you Pam.) He is going to help me, pro bono bless their hearts, figure out when and how I can early access my various retirement funds without IRS penalty or extremely increased tax liabilties.

He also suggested I speak to a lawyer about social security disability insurance (SSDI). I know that is a very hard road to travel, but I did go to a program about it a couple years ago, so I know a local law firm that specializes in it. And they don't charge up front or by the hour. They take a cut of the ultimate settlement. I just don't recall whether SSDI is means (income or asset) tested. If it is, I would flunk based on my retirement assets.

So that's it for today. Going to be one very busy woman tomorrow prepping for the Gardens trip!!

Take care all!

Kris made a Pi for Ennis

And Janie is trying it out.

38 Hours of House Cleaning

I certainly hope you Garden ladies are worth it. :)

I have had two women in here for 2 days, vacuuming, dusting, washing walls and ceilings, windows, baseboards and other woodwork, and floors. I thought they would NEVER leave. Of course, my office, which is a mess, was off limits.

But they now say that because the "core" is clean, they can come in every other week and do a quick tidy up. There's also less pet hair now with only 2 cats.

I am exhausted, and I didn't even do any of the work.

Actually, I needed a spring cleaning. I haven't done it myself since I moved into the house over 3 years ago.

Commenting on this BLOG

Blogger.com apparently has changed their log-in process, both for editing a blog and for commenting on one.

You now have to have a Google account, and use your Google id (which is your email) and a password you create for that account. You sign up for a google account here.

You will be adding a profile to that account, and whatever you put into your profile as your first name is what shows up as you name when you comment on my blog.

You also should be able to comment anonomously without a google account.

Three very tired and sore women

Laura and Annie came in from central PA yesterday to help weed the gardens before the Longwood Garrdens crew comes in 2 weeks. We worked for about 6 hours, with a half-hour lunch break.

This morning I can barely bend over, my butt hurts, and doing the steps is a chore. I suspect Laura and Annie feel the same way because none of us had been gardening yet this spring, and 6 hours is a very long time for bending over. My additional problem is the neuropathy in my feet. I hadn't stood for that long, and now the balls of my feet are back to dead. Hopefully temporary, but I was certainly walking gingerly so as not to stumble.

We even got the herb bed cleaned out. Except for thyme, chives, and sage, I could not remember what was what (I didn't garden in that bed all last year) or what was periennial. So if it was unknown, it went. That bed also holds strawberries, lillies, and asiatic lillies that seem to be doing well. Could not find the California Poppy. Must not have survived. The broom bush I put in there last year is doing gloriously!!

Hostas coming up everywhere. Got the hydrangia, Ms. Kim Lilac, spirea, and red twig dogwood shrubs all trimmed up. Didn't get to the boxwood, and they are putting on growth like crazy. Last year's clematic came down. The astilbe and bleeding hearts are coming along, and the mums are coming up through the daffodils. The forsythia are blooming.

It was a beautiful day for it. Blue skies, fairly warm, and the earth in the gardens was moist but not soggy.

Thank you Laura and Annie for all your help.

We did not get to the garage.

Annie brought along dinner. A stuffed turkey breast, potatoes to bake (white and sweet), whole cranberry sauce, and 3 bunches of asparagus. We passed on the hollandaise sauce because of the sodium. And there were brownies, and salted (not for Jim) nuts, and oranges.

The stuffed turkey breasts are made by a specialty butcher in a farmer's market near where Annie lives. She ordered one with bread stuffing with cranberries. What we found when I sliced it open was sausage and red peppers. UGH. We all ate around the stuffing. Annie's going to talk to the folks at the market about the screwup; I hope she can get her money back.

So today is tax work day. There is no way I will be able to get them done, but I need to get enough done to file extensions.

Tomorrow, I have a counseling session and Janet and Kathy are coming in to do spring cleaning. They think it might take 2 days. I am starting to wash all the throw rugs today. That will likely be about 5 loads.

So off to the taxes. UGH!!

Max's Video

This is my 3rd attempt to write this.

So now I'm going to be very brief.

Kris, thank you so much for my most precious possession.

The video could offend some because it shows pictures of my mastectomy scars at the end. Once that starts, you can turn if off or close your eyes and listen to the rest of the music.

Thanks again Kris.

According to Dawn, the animal communicator

Ennis says life couldn’t be better. He doesn’t really think much about Max not being around.

As for his health, he doesn’t like to go to the vet. He feels bloated all over and the pads of his feet hurt. He has discomfort in his kidney area, but does not feel anything wrong near his stomach. (2 weeks ago the vet said he felt a small mass near his stomach which might just be scar tissue; nothing was revealed on X-Ray. Also the vet said the kidneys felt fine, they also showed no problem on X-Ray, and his blood kidney values came back fine.)

His occasional urinary incontinence (which has been going on for years) is health–related, he says. His bladder usually is very full when he needs to go, and sometimes it is hard to lift his legs into the litter box with a very full bladder. I had he suggest to him that he use the box more often, and he agreed that was an idea, but sometimes when he is sleeping, he wakes up with a very full bladder. (I think this is bullshit by the way; he’s been doing this for over ten years; it a territorial/attitude thing, I think.)

He used to pee on the concrete floor next to the litter boxes in the basement. Last summer he moved it onto the rugs in the Florida room. He said that when he would pee on the concrete his feet would get wet. They don’t on the carpet. And he likes having his smell in that room. I asked Dawn to tell him that I don’t like the smell and to try to stop doing that. Dawn also suggested I get him a litter box with lower sides.

Ennis said when he gets hungry, it hits him really fast. That’s why he gets up in my face on the desk or wakes me 2-3 times a night. He is finicky sometimes because he just doesn’t have an appetite, even though he is hungry. He doesn’t mind having the same food everyday, and doesn’t need variety. I asked Dawn to ask him why he begs for food when there already is food down on a plate. He said he likes the company. I asked her to ask him to minimize that during the night while I am trying to sleep. He said he would try.

Dawn said Lily (my semi-feral) is so cute, has so much energy for a cat her age, and is innocent. (She hit that one on the head.) I asked how Lily was feeling with the early chronic renal failure. Lily said she didn’t know she was sick. I asked whether Lily would please be able to eat the wet food I bought for her CRF. She said she was willing to eat the wet food, but still wants some dry left out. Dawn suggested I remove the dry.

Because I will have to pill Lily for blood pressure, I asked whether she would consider eating a pill pocket every day. Lily agreed with me that she doesn’t like treats. Dawn suggested that I train her to eat the kibble out of my fingers, transition it to a pill pocket with the kibble inside, and then to a pill pocket with the meds. Lily agreed with me that she does not want to be manually pilled.

I asked how Ennis and Lily felt about having Jim here all the time now. They said they felt better having him here. Ennis says he feels he should spend more time to visit with Jim in the dungeon. He’s lazy though, and into his upstairs routine, so I would have to take him down.

Ennis and Lily don’t really like each other; their personalities are too different. But they get along OK. Lily, who spends much of her day hiding, gets lonely. Ennis likes the people in the house more than he likes Lily.

Dawn said Maxwell was a sweet cat who thinks he had a great life. He felt much loved.

He is happy and peaceful and not dwelling on death. He was only thinking of it now because I asked.

He wasn’t in pain with his cancer, but he felt ill (like having the flu) and wanted to be quiet. He was glad I put him down, although he said he was ready to go about a week before we did it.

I asked her to tell him I think of him everyday and loved him very much.

Bailey, my full feral that I lost last summer, said he lived here voluntarily. He didn’t want to escape back into the wild; he wanted to be here in a comfortable home. He didn’t feel captive and adapted to the lifestyle. He loved both Jim and me, as well as the cats, but he just didn’t know how to make attachments.

He doesn’t remember being sick (and he was very sick for 6 weeks before PTS). He only remembers being healthy and comfortable and felt he had a great life as a whole.

Well, yesterday totally sucked!

It was tough because I got a computer geek in here to do some upgrades and reconfigure my Microsoft Outlook for the new broadband ISP. It's kind of complicated because I want to continue to use my old ISP's email address. He ended up crashing my Windows XP (operating system), and had to do a reinstallation. He was here 6 hours and charged me $200, $50 of which was for an additional memory chip.

I was so tense through the whole thing, thinking I would lose all information since I backed up 2 days ago. I couldn't keep ANYTHING on my stomache, and I'm still vomiting and drinking ginger ale. But he did manage to save all my files, as far as I can tell.

I am going to have to clean up some mess he left behind. For example, he didn't load Service Pack 2 because he was running so late. It was his attempt to load the pack that crashed the system. I am terrified to try to install it. He also did not reregister the operating system, so I only have 30 days with it until I can figure out how to do that. He says I will get a prompt in a day or two that will lead me through it. Microsoft does not provide support if the product was loaded onto the computer when I bought it, which it was. They tell me I have to go to Dell for that support, and I'm sure Dell will charge me for that support. Ugh.

The computer geek is a nice guy, and during the 6 hours we did alot of personal chatting. He brought his 6 YO son along; a truly delightful and quiet child. He sat down in the dungeon with Jim watching the cartoon channel or reading a book. Jim did go out for a couple of hours and the child was just fine on his own. I felt so bad he was missing lunch, so I made him a peanut butter sandwich. Turns out he's a picky eater, doesn't like jelly and wouldn't eat the orange I gave him. And he ripped all the crust off the bread.

And during this whole mess, my only client (I write for them) called and insisted on knowing when I was going to get a certain product to them. We finally agreed that I would be relieved of 2 of the products that were to be finished this spring, but which I haven't even started. So now I have no work with them, except for a new book that I was writing back when I was diagnosed. He said that I could have all my products back as soon as I am feeling better. Typing is difficult because my fingertips are still numb from the chemo. I am thinking about having my doctor certify that I am disabled so that I can get to my IRA money without penalty. My saving are getting close to depleted. I see her next week. With my depression, she has me back on a monthly schedule.

I don't think depressed people should be allowed to self-medicate. I continue to forget my pills. I've been 2 days without them. I did take them tonight, but I'm not sure how many stayed down. I think someone should show up at my door twice a day, hand them to me, and watch me take them.

So that was my day. And now I can't sleep. The day and all the cleanup I have to do keeps running through my head. But I need to because my appt with the animal commuicator is in the morning. And I have to prepare my list of questions for her.

So off to that chore.

Wish me luck on having a better day today.

Max's video

I am still trying to "discover" how to put Max's video on the Internet. But for the time being, here are my two favorite images from it.

In this one, he is covered with catnip. But the sad thing is, because of his cancer, his eyes looked so "dead."



I like this one because I can't see his dead eyes, and he often was looking out the window like this. Looking to see what was going on in "his yard."

We got massages!!/Longwood Gardens

From a massage therapist who works for Hospice 2 days/week. Wasn't really all that good. She was a really sweet woman though, who had to most beautiful eyes.

Here is what I wrote to Robin about the session. You should have seen Ennis while I was getting my massage. He wouldn't move from my side and either was glaring at her, like "Don't hurt my Mom," or staring at me, like "Are you OK?" That's the first time he's been down to the dungeon (except to use the litter box) in weeks. The massage therapist was impressed by the bond Ennis and I seemed to have. She commented on the long gazing looks we gave each other. She didn't realize, and I didn't say, that it was food love. After she left I smooshed some bonito flakes on his FF, he chowed down, and now, he's back sacked out on the bed. During the whole time Ennis was down there, I felt like saying "Jim, will you please feed the cat?"

As for Longwood Gardens, I am having about 30 of my Internet pals from the FDMB in the weekend of April 28 to have a get-together at Longwood Gardens. Most of these folks are ones that have supported me so strongly through this entire Max diabetes/my hellish cancer treatment/losing my cat Bailey/Ennis diabetes/Jim getting alcoholic end-stage liver disease/my hellish "final" surgery time/my losing my best boy Maxwell time. (Wow, just writing that put me into tears.) It's been a really crappy almost two years that these people have held me up and helped me to go on.

Yes, there have been so many others who have helped--my brothers Les and Dave, my sister-in-law Donna, Annie, Betty, my neighbors, Jim's neighbors, and other local folks.

But the FDMB is a very special place for me. I am not sure I will ever be able to put it behind me once I lose my final (hopefully) diabetic cat. Just a couple days ago I got a bouquet of yellow tulips and purple irises (and a box of very good chocolates) from Teresa and Olivia (GA). She said: I thought you just needed a big time hug. I did, and that lifted my spirits for the rest of the day.

So, anyway, back to the Gardens trip. (I do divert from time to time, don't I? I think it's the whole hot flash/not eating thing. Yep, again today nothing to eat.)

We have people coming in from Maine, Tennessee, California (3 of them), Florida, up-state NY, CT, MA, and also people a little more local like from NYC, NJ, MD, a bunch from western PA. All except one who is coming are women. Thank you Glen, for coming with Robin and having a "romantic" weekend. You two deserve it!!

Still no one from the Pacific NW. Come on Emmy!!

I have co-conspiritors in all of this. Once the group started getting too big for my house and Jim's condo, Alice helped with finding a local motel where I could block rooms. Julie is making "personal cards" for those who care to have them to give out. Cat (SunCat) is making name badges with pictures of the person's diabetic cat(s).

Next weekend, Annie and maybe Laura will be coming from central PA to help me clean my garage and gardens. I never got all the "dead" stuff out last fall, and now the weather has been so warm that the weeds already are springing up. (Springing, never really thought about that word before.)

Two women are coming in on Thursday, I will have to make Philly airport runs, and they will be put to work on cooking and cleaning. Most everyone else is coming on Friday, so I will have a single entree buffet, with salad and bread that night, but one "pot" vegie and one "pot" not.

On Saturday, we will go to the Gardens, hopefully at opening time because there are a few people who need scooters or wheelchairs, and this will be a busy time of the year and there are limited scooters/wheelchairs available. Some folks will show up later in the day.

We will have a cafe lunch at the Gardens. Saturday night, I again will have a dual one entree buffet, with salad and bread, at my house.

Sunday morning, we are thinking about a breakfast buffet (but maybe not) because there will be airport runs to make to get folks out. I can do a buffet if I can find someone local for those airport runs, which I might be able to do.

These are only a few of the details on what is going to be a very busy and huggy weekend. I am still startled that this thing has grown so huge and that I will be meeting some of my closest FDMB friends.

(About to go into tears again.)

I am so looking forward to meeting and hugging you all.

Love to you all. Venita

Jim Graduates from Hospice/Got Broadband Internet!!

Tuesday will be his last day. (Edited: Actually, now we found out it is Monday, which is in effect Friday because his aide takes her birthday holiday off on Monday.)(Edited again: The RN was wrong; Tuesday is the final day.)

This is a good thing, that he is well enough now that the Hospice can let him go. Of course, I believe he will miss his daily aide; I know I will. Weekdays, she would help him with personal care, make him breakfast and clean the breakfast dishes, cut up or clean fruit or vegetables that I bought, make his bed, empty his bedside commode, vacuum the room. She has been a gem and we need to get her a going away present.

Jim can do most of those things for himself, except washing his back and putting lotion on it, and making his bed so that looks as if it really is "made." That's where I am going to come into play again.

I hope they give him a "diploma." Not too many people "graduate" from Hospice.

Got Comcast Cable Internet and phone today. Wowza. Why didn't I do this before? Free (in the package price) long distance. No longer complaints from Jim that I have to get off the Internet for him to make phone calls.

Let me tell you, ATT phone, which has been getting $80-90 from me a month for long distance was pissed. (Too many calls to my FDMB and other friends.) Kept trying to explain to me what a mistake I had made. I think not.

Then my ATT internet service. I was able to downgrade service so that I only get email and my web page (for the cats) from them. That guy wasn't pissy about it at all.

But I had to keep asking both of these people to talk slower so I could understand what they were saying. Offshore outsourcing.

Grief

It's an interesting emotion and can completely change who we are.

I hadn't really though about grief much until the owner of the FDMB asked me to moderate the forum we have there for persons going through the grief process for a lost pet. Moderation means I have to read every message and response.

Yes, I went through a very pronounced period of grief when I lost Max, but I soon became resolved to the fact that his cancer was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done to fix it, I helped him to pass peacefully, and I started remembering the fun things about my best boy.

I believe I also am through the grief of my failed implant surgery. My right side was doomed to failure from the get-go. Anything that could go wrong did go wrong. I really only think about it now when I have pain.

But I still am in a grieving mode, and going to the counselor yesterday helped me to begin to get some understanding of where it is coming from. It's Jim (please don't tell him I said this). When we married, we agreed that we would never live together, but here we are living together. And now that he is feeling better, it's like he keeps an eagle eye on everything I do. He expects me to cook a hot meal every evening; I never did that when I lived alone. There are so many other things, so many expectations he has of me that are just draining my energy and spirit away.

I love him desparately; you all know that. But I cannot live with another person, whomever it is. I am independent and I want my solitude back.

Just don't know how this is going to play out.


On a completely different note, I have an appointment with an animal communicator by phone this weekend. I am concerned about this "mass" near Ennis's stomache and want to know whether that, his diabetes, plain old age, or the loss of Maxie is what is making him so lethargic.

I want to know what Bailey and Max thought of their "hospice" time here and the way they passed.

I want to know whether there are any thoughts in Lily's head whatsoever.

After all the bucks I've spent on vets in the last month and a half, it seems to me that $58 for 45 minutes with an animal communicator isn't necessarily money badly spent.

Care to all!!

Was I Freaking Out? YES!

I had PT this morning. After my exercises, the therapist massages my battle-scarred right side to try to make the scar tissue more flexible. When she started rubbing, this red bump along my incisional scar broke open and started oozing pus. She drained it as best she could, cleaned it up with alcohol, and put a bandage on it. So no massage today.

I called in a refill on an antibiotic I have, and called in a report to Dr. Half-Boob's office. He's on vacation.

PT Bruiser said she didn't see a need to actually go to a DR. She said she would recheck it at our first visit next week.

Why has it been nothing but trouble on the right side?

Ennis is still acting crummy and clingy. Jim is still doing great; getting antsy that I'm not working on taxes.

Got a call last night from my lawn cutting guy. He came out to see what kind of work it would take to get the neighbor's
monkey balls (the seed pod of the sweet gum tree) raked out of my yard.

He quoted me $280. I said no, last year you said $190, and I didn't have you do it; a group of neighborhood women headed over with rakes to help me. He said $200; I said OK. He said next week. I hope we have a huge windstorm before then to knock some more of these things out of the trees.

Last year was so cool. I wanted to get the yard cleaned before my first surgery put me under. These neighbors knew my situation. One would show up, and then another, and then another. Apparently there were phone calls made. In total we had 5 people raking and we got it done in maybe 4 hours. They were so sweet to help.

A few more days; a few more things done

I've had 2 PT sessions so far this week. PT Bruiser tells me I may never regain full range of motion or strength on my right side because of the large amounts of muscle that was taken during my surgeries. Thank you so much Dr. Half-Boob!!

Yesterday, a guy friend and I moved a chest of drawers from Jim's condo to my house. My God, good furniture is heavy. Thank goodness this guy is very strong. He also took away my lawn mower to tune it up and hopefully straighten the shaft that got bent 2 years ago.

I have finally gotten my homework done on broadband internet access and ordered a bundled service (TV,Internet, Phone) from Comcast cable. 2 year commitment. It won't be installed until next Wednesday, then Charles the computer geek will come in to upgrade some of my software and add additional memory.

Before that all happens, I need to clean up some files and back everything up.

My desk is still a mess, but I am getting some things done. The draft of my will came, and I've been pouring through that, as well identifying assets and actual and desired beneficiaries.

Ennis is still really inactive and inappetant. The limping continues, although he did RACE down one set of stairs this morning, for what I don't know.

The Hospice nurse comes tomorrow. Another possibility for Jim to get kicked out. This Hospice has been nothing but extremely responsive. Should Jim or I ever have another need for (and qualify for) Hospice, we will have no qualms about going back to this place.

Today I went to NJ to visit Kris and her charming daughter. I visited with Kris and her pets until her daughter got home from preschool, then we had lunch and did a touch of shopping. Yet another lamp to find a place for. I really needed to eat. I haven't for several days, and even my smallest jeans are starting to sag down to my hips.

While I was out, Jim drove himself to his drinking club (he drinks cranberry juice or ginger ale). He was out a couple of hours. He got cleared by the DR yesterday to drive. He said he felt comfortable driving by himself. That is a huge step!!

Yesterday's Driving Adventure

I am glad that Jim is as concerned about his ability to drive as I am.

We went down to the Merchandise Mart (for those local people who know the place; for those that don't it's a years' old almost completely abandoned outside mall).

Did the emergency stopping, weaving around lamp-posts, pulling in forwards and backwards into parking speaces, including next to parked cars. Jim said he felt comfortable in his car.

When he got onto the street, he was not all that comfortable and I took over the driving after we stopped for brunch.

Jim intends to call his GP on Tuesday for a driving "clearance." I may call Monday and ask the DR to suggest a session or 2 with a driving instructor on the roads.

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Driving

Today, Jim had a physical therapist evaluate him for driving, and he said he is going to recommend to Jim's GP that he is OK to drive. YESSSHH!! NOOOOOO!!

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I really don't want him hurting himself or others. Sure there are ALOT of people on the roads who are worse off than Jim, but....

We were instructed to take him out to a large vacant parking lot this weekend so he could "get the hang" of driving again. We have a high school nearby.

Jim's biggest problem right now with mobility is the return of osteoarthritis pain in his knees. It was suppressed when he was on prednisone. The GI DR won't authorize a small dose of pred until after Jim's next visit in 2 months. For the time being, we have started him on glucosamine.

I am really procrastinating on calling the vet to deal with this "mass" in Ennis's abdomen. I just can't face the financial and emotional strain that an ultrasound, a fine needle aspiration, and perhaps a surgery would put me (and Ennis) through. He had a hard time with an exploratory surgery 2 years ago. He never really got back to himself.

I'm OK. I failed to take my pills last night, and haven't eaten again for 3 days. Well there was that one Turtle left from my Valentine's gift.

My assignment from the counselor on Monday was to (1) get a tuneup on my computer, including switching to a broadband service and (2) to contact my major client and explain where I am in getting nothing done on their product.

These 3 things (Ennis and the 2 assignments) are overwhelming to me. But I just have to buckle down and do them. I haven't backed up my computer for a year, and should it crash, the entire contents of a book I was working on until last spring would completely diappear. So would all the contact info I have on my friends at FDMB.

So my assignment to myself in the morning, before PT at 10am, is to backup.

Then I start making a list of the things I need the computer geek to do to upgrade my system, and call him for an appointment next week. I still am confused whether to go with cable or telephone line for Broadband, but I think I'm leaning toward cable. I will switch over my phone too so that I get their "introductory" package of $100 a month for all 3 services (phone, digital cable, internet) for a year.

What do I do if the cable goes down, as it is prone to do a few times a year for a day or two. Can I still keep dial-up as a backup? I doubt I can if the phone is on cable. I do now have a cell phone. Maybe I just have to go to the library for Internet access.

Not Another Problem--Please

Ennis went to the vet on Tuesday. His 6 month (a little late) wellness check. I scheduled it because he's been kind of down after losing Maxie. I also was worried; I didn't want to miss something that could be fixed if found early. Ennis also has been limping, and I wanted to get a fPLI test for pancreatic function. Dr. Alan said that he advises clients that cats can take up to 2 months to "recover" from the loss of another cat in the "pack."

Eyes OK
Ears waxy, but OK
Teeth horrible, needs a dental. Might want to put him on prophylactic ABs.

Abdomen, near the stomache, there a small mass.

That's when my brain flew out of my head. Dr. Alan knew I did not need to hear this again. I just heard "large mass" a month ago and now Maxie is gone.

Abdominal X-Rays. Also an X-ray of his limpy leg.

While they are off taking Ennis's X-Rays, I read through the chart. Yes! He had exploratory surgery 2 summers ago, maybe it is scar tissue, but near his stomache? That can't be right. It was his bowel that was opened (by a different vet). Also, 8 months ago Dr. Alan noted in the records that there was a small mass near the stomache. I don't remember being told that.

Abdominal X-Rays showed nothing of note. Dr. Alan recommended against an ultrasound at this point, as long as Ennis is not vomiting, which he isn't. Loose stool, but that is likely stress from Max and getting some different food each day as I try to keep him interested in food. And dealing with the pet food recall.

Leg X-Ray showed a touch of osteoarthritis in his knee joint, nothing in his shoulder. Given some sort of glucosamine powder for his food, and the suggestion of x% of a baby aspirin once or twice a day. I will have to call back on that. Also, we never followed up on the antibiotics. (Remember, I said my brain flew out of my head).

They are sending the fPLI through Antech Labs, not directly to Texas A&M, so that only adds $40 to the cost.

Well, yes, sure I want a senior panel and a urinalysis!! Ennis was too squirmy (fractious, hissing and growling at everyone) to get too much blood, so they have to run the lab in house (bigger bucks again). And no urine, AGAIN. How does this happen. This is a diabetic cat who hasn't peed for at least 4 hours. There should be something in there!!

After discussions with people on the FDMB, I know I need to take him for an ultrasound and, if appropriate, a fine needle aspiration. So I need to talk to Dr. Alan to get a referral to the radiologist at the specialty center. I just can't wrap my head around this right now.

Started back to PT yesterday. My right side is one massive scarred up mess, such tightness that I have diminished range of motion in my arm. I will see PT Bruiser 3x/week, when I can, and massage myself (to "break up" the scar tissue) on the days I don't see her.

Jim and Lily continue to thrive. Jim goes for his driver's evaluation this morning. I don't know whether to hope he passes or fails. I do worry about him, and his safety, and other peoples' safety.

A Summary Update, for Those on FDMB

Jim, my husband, is in end-stage liver failure. We don't know what miracle happened but he has his mind and most of his body back. He still has some blood values out of whack, but I believe his sheer will, an appropriate diet and fluids, and an adjustment in medication, has brought him through the crisis. He still has problems with his gait (he won't exercise). He is in a Hospice program, but I doubt that will last much longer. He is very independent, and his Hospice aide and he get him and his living space cleaned up, and get him breakfast, within 45 minutes each morning.

Jim gets a physical therapy evaluation on Thursday to see whether he is capable of driving. His condo is on the market; I posted a link below.

I have (or had) Stage IIIa breast cancer. I have had two mastectomies, chemo, and radiation on one side. I was going to have breast reconstruction with silicone implants, but my skin on the right side was so damaged from the radiation that the plastic surgeon did not do anything on that side. I still have pain there and will start physical therapy again this week to try to overcome the tightness and pain. Once the swelling and pain is gone (might be quite a few months), I will consult with another plastic surgeon and get a prosthesis for that side. I still have no feeling in my finger tips and toes from the chemo. Makes it a little tough to type.

My GP has upped my anti-depression meds, and wants to see me now every month. I have started couseling because of my disappointment over the failed implant.

We lost Max about 10 days ago to pancreatic-origin cancer. He got very sick very quickly after it was DX, although it likely had been affecting him for a long time. Jim and I grieved terribly for about 5 days, but now we are pulling our lives back together. (I lost another 4 pounds, which I didn't need.) We have not yet received Max’s cremains, and are very anxious to get them.

Ennis, Max’s diabetic littermate, seems to miss him a lot, and has been pretty clingy. He also stopped eating for awhile, but that’s been resolved. He is limping, like he has some soft tissue damage. Also vocalizing more. He’s going to the vet tomorrow.

Lily loves Max being gone. He used to terrify her. But now she’s another rung up on the power ladder.

Registration: I have removed from this blog the requirement to register. But should you make a comment, please identify yourself using a name I would recognize. Otherwise, I might delete it as spam.

WooHoo. Condo on the Market!

The listing is here. There are no pictures yet; but they will be there.

Showings start tomorrow or Tuesday.

A Tribute to Maxie, My Best Boy

This was sent to me by dear friends who don't post here, but who follow our blog.


I LOVED YOU THE BEST
by Jim Willis, copyright 2002
(I hope I'm not violating copyright laws, but this poem is all over the Internet)


So this is where we part, My Friend,
and you'll run on, around the bend,
gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you'll surely find.

I will go on, I'll find the strength,
life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,
but they be they, and they aren't you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
will remember well all you've taught.

Your place I'll hold, you will be missed,
the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
take with you this.... I loved you best.



I do try not to make favorites, but Max was mine. He was such a happy loving cat.He should have been here longer. 14 years was not nearly enough.

Saw GP Yesterday

She seems glad I have fallen apart. She said it was spooky that I was going through what I had been going through the last year and staying so stoic and in control. What an off thing for her to say; but I think she was just trying to give me "permission." She also raised my antidepressant dose, but refused to change the med because she said she thought it was working for me.

Now instead of our normal 2 month visit cycle, we are back on a one month cycle. SIGH.

I started working yesterday on trying to list all my cash assets, identify who presently was named as beneficiary, and figure out the rules for sending different assets to different places to minimize the taxable events at my death. I am an accountant, and I do my best at reading tax codes and publications, but I need some realiable, plain English advise about my questions. I talked to one fellow at a major mutual fund company today, asking questions about inheritance situations, and it was clear (to me) he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

I really hate to hire a tax CPA to help me figure this out. I did that once when I was trying to set up the depreciation schedule for my home-based business, and that was pricey. And that I could write off as a business expense. This I couldn't.

Jim was scheduled for his driver's evaluation this morning, but we are supposed to have a "wintery mix" and he doesn't want to travel the hour each way it would take. So I have to reschedule him.

Ennis goes to the vet today, maybe. The appt is for 2pm, and I had wanted to get an fPLI blood test on him, which requires fasting, and there is no way that that chow hound would have fasted until 2pm. Depending on what the weather does, I may reschedule to a morning appt next week, or just take him in this PM and not do the fPLI, or do it non-fasting.

For the non-diabetic cat people reading this (and maybe for some of them), an fPLI test is a specialty test done at the University of Texas. It tests the pancreatic function of the cat. The pancrease is the primary organ involved in the production (or non-production) of insulin, which keep blood sugar levels down.

When Max went into remission from diabetes, I had this test run on him, and his values were higher (worse) than anyone I spoke to had ever seen. But he was asymptomatic for diabetes and pancreatitis (another disease of the pancres). I wanted the test re-run, I suspected sample contamination, but the vet said save your money, you know he has a diseased pancreas, but the part that is functioning is functioning very well.

Well, one year later Max passed from a pancreatic-origin tumor, considered rare in cats. Makes me wonder if the fPLI test results were telling us something early on.

Given genetics, given Ennis (Max's littermate) is actively diabetic, I want to check out where he is on the fPLI.

Ennis also seems depressed and is limping. It's also been 6 months since he's had an exam. Time to go.

We Went to the Lawyer Today

Wowza!! What headaches we had, and exhausted.

I am trying to set up a trust with my assets to make sure Jim is appropriately cared for in a home setting should I predecease him. I have promised him no nursing home. But I also want whatever is left over to go to my brother who has MS, because he also has serious medical needs.

We had to talk about the tax effects of this asset vs. that asset going into the trust, and an arrangement for selling my house and how anything outside of the “trust” that I will to Jim would go to Jim’s heirs, not my brother, unless he changes his will or the beneficiaries on certain accounts.

My head is really jumbled about this, and I am sure I will need another meeting with this lawyer (who is very good) to figure out how I am supposed to designate beneficiaries on retirement and other accounts and assets that allow me to do designate beneficiaries.

I have 2 very special people in my life, both with serious illnesses. Should I pass before them, I want to help take care of them. There is a lot of “trust” in the arrangement that I am setting up, but I do trust them. Well at least I trust Jim while he has mental capacity, as he does now. If that goes, then my brother is in charge of the trust for Jim. I hate to put that burden on my brother, but I have no one else to put in this situation, and the lawyer recommended against a professional trustee (like a bank) because of the fees.

My prayers are with both of them should I go first that they do the right thing by each other. I love them both, deeply. They both know that, and they will, I know, respect my wishes. The lawyer also knows that should I pass before Jim, there are some things Jim needs to do to make sure my wishes are honored. They aren’t legally binding. I can do little to “reach out from the grave,” as the lawyer puts it. But I can express my intent in my will, as a “reminder” to everyone involved.

By the way, I am not planning to go anywhere soon.

We Still are Recovering from Losing Maxman

When Jim and I, or I, come into the house now, it is strangely quiet.

No Maxie greeting us, even a delayed greeting as he was prone to the last few weeks.

Ennis sleeping in his bed on the desk. Lily who knows where.

Ennis has started howling. A very mournful, painful howl. Just a few times a day. Is he missing Max, or is he ill? I suspect the former, but I have set up a vet appt for him in about 10 days.

Kris has asked me to come to her side of the DE river for a lunch soon. Jim and I were in the drug store today and I found the cutest little Ty beanie baby for Kris's daughter.


A lamb in a tutu and ballet shoes. So ugly it's cute. Maybe the daughter will name her after me. The stuffed rabbit we sent her after the photo shoot got named Mr. Davies, after Jim (even though that's not exactly Jim's last name). This child is such a doll, but it's not my place to put a picture of her (or her name) on here. But she is a camera hound, and was grinning ear-to-ear with Mr. Davies, the stuffed rabbit.

My goodness, this shift to DST has me all discombobulated. It always does. Why can't we just choose one or the other, or split the difference, and stop all this time change nonsense? Click and Clack (CarTalk on NPR) about a year suggested a split time shift: 1/2 hour in March and another 1/2 hour in April or May. I would vote for that over what we have now.

And because I haven't upgraded my computer's operating system, it was so stupid that it didn't change time today. I did it manually. And in 3 weeks, when it thinks it is time-shift time, I will have to manually reset it again.

I hate computers.

Feeling Oddly Relieved

Max was DX diabetic 7/25/05. I was well, and I poured my heart into learning about his disease and by 1/1/06, he was thankfully in remission.

Not too long after I was DX with breast cancer, Max was DX with early chronic renal failure (CRF). I didn't have the time or energy to put into learning about that disease, and I never could get Max accustomed to the treatment regimen he was prescribed, except for the blood pressure pills which he would gladly snarf up in pill pockets.

The next vet visit showed his CRF had progressed. At the time, Jim was into liver failure so I continued to put off Max's treatment, but my lack of care was gnawing at me. He started losing weight and appetite and I again thought progressing CRF. Got him to the vet maybe a month past his "due date," again other obligations, and that is when his tumor was found. A rushed appt for an ultrasound confirmed inoperable cancer.

17 days from initial tentative diagnosis to euthanasia. 17 days of watching my best boy just slip away.

I probably shouldn't, but I feel relieved to have that burden off my shoulders. Of course I also am sick in my stomach from losing him. But he wasn't my Max anymore, and it got more and more that way everyday, and there was not going too be anyway to "cure" this one.

Fly free Maxwell, Maxie, Max, Maxomine, my fat-faced boy, my cat in footy pajamas, sweet pea, my best boy. When I first brought you and Ennis home, I never thought you would be able to worm your way into my heart, but you did. I still have Ennis who wlll be a daily reminder of you, his littermate. Let's hope Ennis doesn't continue to walk down your health path. Treating Ennis for diabetes is enough, and something I know I can handle with my eyes closed, because you taught me so very, very well.

Thank you for going peacefully. Thank you for not suffering too much from the cancer while I worked out MY emotions about setting you free. Thank you for continuing to love me through those last two rugged weeks. Thank you for having loved me, and for worming your way into my heart.

Please look for Charlie and Blanche. You never met them, but my losing them was the reason I found you and Ennis. You need to thank them for sending you to me. Also look for your buddy Bailey, and let him know I miss him too.

And please come to see me in my dreams.

Max is Gone

He actually had a good night; slept with me, ate a mid-night snack; was holding his tail up.

He passed peacefully on my bed, on my chemo lap throw, with me holding his head and whispering in his ear. The mobile vet, who we had never used before, was very caring and didn't rush us at all.

Kris and the vet and I took three watercolor paw prints between the sedation and the barbituate.

Thanks to all for your kind words. A very special thanks to Kris for coming to hold me together.

Link to announcement on FDMB.

Maxie is Leaving

Tomorrow. 9am vet appt at my house. This is so incredibly difficult.

Kris is coming to be with me during the procedure. I know it will be easy on Max, but I really don't want him to leave. He is my best boy.

Found my Eyeglasses

They were on a window sill in the guest bedroom where I feed Max and Lily dry food. I must have taken them off to pill Max.

I see Dr. Half-Boob this morning. We see a realtor at Jim's condo this afternoon. I am glad he is putting the condo on the market, but I have no idea where we are going to store all his stuff, unless I just make a huge storage area out of my living room. No that won't work, because that won't show well if I put my house on the market. But I could use some of his furniture here at the house.

We are talking about, in the late summer/fall, putting my house on the market and buying a ranch. A huge sprawling ranch so I can have my side of the house and Jim can have his. Might need to build a Berlin wall. I love my house now so much; I've put so much into the yard. I really hate to start all over.

Jim's DR approved him yesterday for an occupational therapist to give him a driving evaluation. I have to check with hospice about whether his being on Hospice will interfere with Medicare paying for this (if Medicare even would). I don't think Jim is ready for driving yet, but it would be nice if he could, for example, take himself for his weekly blood draws.

We also got a scrip for a blood draw to check his platelet and red and white blood cell counts. He has a dental cleaning next week, and the dentist and I wanted to make sure he was OK for the scraping that could lead to gum bleeding.

DR also wants him on vitamin C for his thin skin/skin tears.

So things are chugging along here.

Now I've Lost my Eyeglasses

Jim and I searched all over for them this morning. Nowhere in sight (but then I have no sight without my glasses).

Thank goodness the old/spare pair that I keep in the car work reasonably well.

Jim and I went out yesterday for a "trash lunch" (cheesesteaks--completely not allowed on his diet), and took them to his "drinking club" so he could see his buddies. Jim only drinks cranberry juice at the club these days.

Today, he has a 10am with his GP, who he sees monthly, and maybe an appt with a realtor to talk about putting his condo on the market. He knows he cannot do the 14 steps that it would take to get up to his bedroom/full bathroom.

Max continues to hold on. He has such a thirst, that I keep water bowls around everywhere. He's moving mighty slowly. And his belly is getting bigger, telling me that either the tumor is growing larger or he has internal bleeding. His ears, nose, toes, and gums still look pink, so I suspect the former. I'm not sure what "comfort" measures to do about that. I'll call the vet to see if there are choices. He also continues to be very difficult to "pill."

As for me, I saw the counselor on Monday. This is going to be a process because all I could do the full hour way cry about my woes: inattentive to Jim, Max's illness, my depression. I did make a handwritten list of the chaos/clutter areas in my life, and she agreed that I needed to subdivide them into manageable "chunks." For example, I can't just write "clean the garage." I have to subdivide it into "deal with the cardboard boxes," "deal with the styrofoam packing," "deal with the planting containers," etc.

She thought me planning the Longwood Gardens trip was great. Someplace to direct my energy. And she loves the support I get from the FDMB.

This counselor is such a baby. She's got to be in her 20s. I asked her what she does on the days she isn't doing counseling at the Cancer Center. She teaches at the University of Delaware. Where was my head; of course that is what PhD candidates do.

I really would prefer someone older and closer than Dr. Emotion. But she has hands on experience with cancer "victims" two days a week. I asked her whether I was unique in the pit I am in right now. She said I was, a little, although many cancer patients have coping issues. But she said the extra load of Jim, the change in our living arrangements, and my sick cats puts me right down there in the bottom of the pit.

I showed her Kris's video of Max. I told her I had moved my medications to my desk, where I spend most of my time, so that I could better remember to take them. We talked about things Jim could do around the house to help ME a little more. But she also agreed that, in many cases, men are men (that is, the center of the universe).

Not sure what more to say. I just wish the cats wouldn't wake me every night around 3am for food. Once I get up, I'm up, and I do really need to rest.