Friday, August 11, 2006

Feeling Scared (by Venita)

I was going to put this into an email to a friend who wrote to offer support.

I decided this was not something with which to burden a single person, so I decided to put it here. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm just asking that you understand that all my "I'm so fine" talk is sometimes a smokescreen that hides my fear.

It was hard when I recently found out that my cancer was staged as advanced. I have no self-image problem with having both of my breasts removed. I am troubled that the surgery to remove my right breast and some axillary (armpit) lymph nodes has left me with a reduced range of motion in my right arm, which is my primary arm. I am troubled that something (maybe the pneumonia or maybe the chemo) has left me with a reduced breathing capacity.

I wonder what kind of disruption (lifestyle and side effect) the upcoming seven weeks of radiation will bring.

I want all this treatment crap to be over, and I am fearful of metastatic disease showing up during or soon after treatment. Breast cancer is known to move to the bone, liver, lungs, and brain, and there is no “cure” for that; just more slash/poison/burn treatments. I don’t want to go there.

3 comments:

Martha and Alley Cat said...

I don't blame you for being afraid, I would be too, that's honest, not sympathy. The best advice I can offer is to TRY to stay in present time, don't jump ahead. Take each day as it comes, and really, one day at a time. None of us know our future, we can only be glad and grateful for today. And all those feelings, good or bad, remind us to treasure every day. Thank you for reminding me!
martha & alley cat

Alice said...

I am glad I am not the only one very afraid for you. I have cried many nights with worry. Think about the here and now,try very hard. This crap will be over soon. If in the next 7 weeks you can't do anything but lay around than just lay around and eat the pain meds. You have the rest of your life to get the range of motion back and do all the gardening you want. This will be alright. And you can always get some pot brownies for the nausea next time. Or use it as a seasoning in soup. I know the worry can eat you alive but try to think positive. We will take one step at a time.

Love Alice

julie said...

of course you are scared..who wouldn't be..but you will beat this..you are a strong woman and you are determined..and oyu have some many friends who love and supoort you that are out here praying for you..don't ever forget that...