Overall, Not a Good Day

Radiation 12. That was good.

Lung CT scan and the thoracic surgeon said the "mysterious" spot is almost completely resolved. And he said that, given I am a former smoker and the daughter of a lung cancer victim, he might could find some way to get me annual CT scans of my lungs, either insurance-paid or in a clinical study. That was good.

Jim had lots of therapy today. That was good.

Betty left this morning. That was bad. I miss her so.

Jim called here last night at 4:30am. He was very confused and anxious. He had been that way for several hours. That was bad.

It poured buckets as I had to drive to radiation, the CT scan, and to see Jim. That was bad. Especially given I was driving Jim's car, which does not have a rear window wiper. Ugh!!

Ennis's blood glucose level this morning was 325. That was very bad. Where the F did that come from?

Jim was weaker mentally today. Almost childlike. I had wanted to meet with him and his case manager today to talk about concerns and future. But I knew Jim would not be able to contribute much to the conversation, and would not remember it. So we didn't have that conversation. Instead, I talked (in front of Jim) to the charge nurse about the decline in his mental status. It might be an ammonia thing. She said she would take a look at his chart, but she didn't get back to me before I left. That was bad.

Maybe it's all the bad things piling up on me, but I'm starting again to think about losing Jim, and starting to think that his passing might be OK. After all, what sort of quality of life is he having right now?

Shit. Maybe it's just the gray day getting to me.