Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I see DR Half Boob Tomorrow

Hopefully. It's mid day so I should be able to get out with the roads by that time. We've been really concerned about losing power. We've had some "flashes" of it. Jim is sitting down on the couch with a flashlight in his hand. The trees are full of ice and the wind is gusting at about 30mph, so we are getting alot of "crashes" into the house from the neighbors' trees.

Jim will have a new personal aide from Hospice starting tomorrow. Erica. This one supposedly cooks. He has to have a new aide because Kira sprained her wrist and is out on disabilty until April.

Then right after her comes the Hospice nurse. There's really nothing for the nurse to do right now because Jim is doing so well, and we haven't yet received the results of last week's blood tests. The only issues that Jim is having right now is the ascites (liquid filled belly), which the nurse can do nothing about, and skin tears. Otherwise, he seems happy as a bug in a rug. He has already set up a fire for tomorrow (or tonight if we lose power).

I got sick today. Had a warmed up pizza slice for lunch and tossed the whole thing. I have no appetite; I'm not eating; and I feel like shit. Still had to go out to scrape and salt the driveway, with little improvement to the concrete ice. But at least I got much of my car out from the ice shell it was in.

I am starting to think I need counseling. I am getting so overwhelmed with all of this. I started cleaning up my Office Inbox today (over 600 messages to read, resolve, delete, or file) and have only about 200 left.

I just want to rip out what little fuzzy hair I have. I am so concerned about Max being sick and not eating and me not getting him to the vet.

I think I need a counselor to go back over the last 14 months with me and help me to resolve my anger, disappointment, and failures to ask the right questions of medical professionals. I probably also need to work on my feelings that Jim, at any moment, could lose the ground he's made up and have to have 24/7 care again. Tonight I asked him whether we should return the wheelchair that Hospice provided for him. It's never been used; the original tags are still on it. Jim said no; that he may need it. Well, that was a bright star in my day.

I need to call my GP and PT Bruiser to get a recommendation for a counselor. They understand and seem to care about the pressure I'm feeling. Unfortunately, many counselors don't take my insurance (retired military) because they pay very little. When I had counseling before I moved here and before I married Jim (and got his insurance), I had to pay top price out-of-pocket (I think it was something like $90/hr) for her services.

My previous counselor Sally does do phone counseling. Maybe I should go back to her--via speaker phone. It took over a year, but she helped me resolve my anger toward my primary family, and helped me reconcile with Jim.

Well, for all of you who always think I am so upbeat, I'm not right now. I am in chronic pain, can't eat and feel like shit, and can't see my way out of my depression.


Alice said...

Take some perocets for the pain and some pot for the appetite. And I think you should see someone and talk to them. Call around. I had to call 5 places until I found one to take our insurance a year ago. I think everyone should have a shrink. I didn't go very long though. Some things are better left inside my head.LOL

Annie said...


I'm sure Sally would be happy to hear from you. I have shared some of your journey with her. Phone sessions would work well for you at this time anyway. And, you already have established a working relationship with Sally. Sounds like a great idea to me. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have traveled through the last 14 months better than anyone would have been able to do under the circumstances.

You've been a good mom for Max and you will do what you can, as soon as you can.

You're all in our prayers every day.