Friday, March 09, 2007

Feeling Oddly Relieved

Max was DX diabetic 7/25/05. I was well, and I poured my heart into learning about his disease and by 1/1/06, he was thankfully in remission.

Not too long after I was DX with breast cancer, Max was DX with early chronic renal failure (CRF). I didn't have the time or energy to put into learning about that disease, and I never could get Max accustomed to the treatment regimen he was prescribed, except for the blood pressure pills which he would gladly snarf up in pill pockets.

The next vet visit showed his CRF had progressed. At the time, Jim was into liver failure so I continued to put off Max's treatment, but my lack of care was gnawing at me. He started losing weight and appetite and I again thought progressing CRF. Got him to the vet maybe a month past his "due date," again other obligations, and that is when his tumor was found. A rushed appt for an ultrasound confirmed inoperable cancer.

17 days from initial tentative diagnosis to euthanasia. 17 days of watching my best boy just slip away.

I probably shouldn't, but I feel relieved to have that burden off my shoulders. Of course I also am sick in my stomach from losing him. But he wasn't my Max anymore, and it got more and more that way everyday, and there was not going too be anyway to "cure" this one.

Fly free Maxwell, Maxie, Max, Maxomine, my fat-faced boy, my cat in footy pajamas, sweet pea, my best boy. When I first brought you and Ennis home, I never thought you would be able to worm your way into my heart, but you did. I still have Ennis who wlll be a daily reminder of you, his littermate. Let's hope Ennis doesn't continue to walk down your health path. Treating Ennis for diabetes is enough, and something I know I can handle with my eyes closed, because you taught me so very, very well.

Thank you for going peacefully. Thank you for not suffering too much from the cancer while I worked out MY emotions about setting you free. Thank you for continuing to love me through those last two rugged weeks. Thank you for having loved me, and for worming your way into my heart.

Please look for Charlie and Blanche. You never met them, but my losing them was the reason I found you and Ennis. You need to thank them for sending you to me. Also look for your buddy Bailey, and let him know I miss him too.

And please come to see me in my dreams.


Fairydragonfly said...

You are such a remarkably strong woman. Reading your posts over the last year makes me feel like I really know you. Yet I cannot imagine what you have just went through. Know that my thoughts are with you. Maxwell was so blessed to have you in his life.

Alice said...

You and Max were lucky to have had each other. Sending lots of love your way.